The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[svmariane]

Some guy: The spread of Corona virus is based on two factors.
1) How dense the population is.
2) How dense the population is.

Karen: You said the same thing twice. What's the other one?

Guy: You're #2.
***

Coming soon to theatres near you: 2020

Written by Steven King.
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
***

Anyone else have grandpaents that do weird stuff that was explained by the fact that they lived through the Great Depression?

We're going to be those grandparents.

"Daddy, why is grandma clorox wiping the grocery bags?"
"She lived throu COVID, honey. She doesn't talk about it."
***

*

[Montanan]

When you have too much time on your hands and the dog is sleeping:

[nightowle]

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

This is where some of the sand dune scenes were filmed.

[skipmac]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
'Well, it was like this,' said the man. 'I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
'What did you do?', asks the doctor.
'Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours"

[svmariane]

On a positive note, the MFR of Corona beer says that despite all the memes poking fun at the unfortunate similarity between the name of their beer and the corona virus, their sales have not experienced any slow downs. That’s probably due to people needing a cold one to get through their day in home quarantine.

[LakeSuperior]

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

[LakeSuperior]

My granddad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

[LakeSuperior]

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?"

The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress."

The chief frowned and said..."Please, just wear your police uniform."

[LakeSuperior]

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.

When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie."

The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."

[socaldmax]

I think he's doing it wrong. Take a wild guess what his wife is saying in the passenger seat.

[socaldmax]