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Old 18-04-2020, 13:09   #9601
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I agree somewhat except for those that I don't agree with. I had problems with #18 as to wither I could see my younger grandmother? from #25 on made no cents . and #27 was the best maybe . I think?
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Old 18-04-2020, 13:31   #9602
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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from #25 on made no cents .
If we stay locked up many will indeed make no cents. And especially no dollars!
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Old 18-04-2020, 14:27   #9603
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Outstanding! I greatly enjoyed it and found it very, very funny. I also found it sad since it is true. Well done.
I can’t take credit for it. Just reposting. Yes, funny, sad and true.
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Old 18-04-2020, 14:39   #9604
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A cautionary tale of a threesome.

Lately, things have started to seem like being stuck sitting at the bar while a snowstorm rages outside. Can't change the folk you're with, can' t leave, and deep inside you gatta know that you'd best space out those drinks.

And when somebody clears their throat and says something like " You know, back when I was younger..." you kind of sigh inwardly, but what the heck... not going anywhere anyway so might as well listen. Right? Yeah, this is the joke thread, but I'm just clearing my throat. Feel free to walk away.

So, back when I was younger... I was single. My job eventually got me assigned to an upcountry village in Noréast Thailand. For a couple of years my girlfriend back in Austria and I had a long-distance relationship with quarterly visits. Things seemed to be working well. Meanwhile, I'd become friendly with a local lass.

Miss Austria ended up being made redundant and, for one reason or another, couldn't find a new job. So I said why nor move here?! I earn enough. So move she did. Miss Thailand agreed with the plan. (Heck, if she played her cards right I was her retirement plan! No cynicism - just reality.)

Now being an optimist, I of course brought my European friend to a meet my Asian friend. The two girls got along with each other remarkably well. Probably because my dashing demeaner, good looks, spirit of adventure and sense of humour sparked a sense of camaraderie. Or maybe it was because they were both economically dependant on me. Hard to tell.

Anyway, Jum (as in "loom") fit right into the family dynamics. Miss A controlled the household budget. Miss T knew where to shop and how to get the best prices. When Miss A decided that a clothes washing machine would make life easier for all, Miss T arranged purchase/delivery/installation. Miss A had neither patience nor desire to keep the garden in order, so Miss T arranged a gardener. Soon, with some secret girl-code, a housekeeper appeared. Miss A loved to cook, Miss T introduced fresh local ingredients and gently taught something about local recipes. Going for a girls day out to do a bit of clothes shopping was a frequent and bi-cultural non-partisan event.

The winds blew warm and gentle and life was calm - all was well in my little kingdom.

Except... No way would the two of them agree on sharing the same bedroom! Their theory was simple: You can have an apple or a pear, but you can't have fruit cocktail. And you'd best balance your fruit intake. Consternation!

Barkeep! Another Bourbon rocks, if you'd be so kind.
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Old 18-04-2020, 14:54   #9605
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Re: The New Joke Thread

With all this stay at home, stay inside thingy wildlife is reclaiming the streets.


That's actually a GIF I can't figure out how to upload. Here: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=...AAAAAdAAAAABAE
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	armed_turkeys.jpg
Views:	195
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ID:	213170  
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Old 18-04-2020, 14:57   #9606
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So you alternated between their two bedrooms?
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Old 18-04-2020, 14:58   #9607
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 18-04-2020, 15:07   #9608
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
A cautionary tale of a threesome.

Lately, things have started to seem like being stuck sitting at the bar while a snowstorm rages outside. Can't change the folk you're with, can' t leave, and deep inside you gatta know that you'd best space out those drinks.

And when somebody clears their throat and says something like " You know, back when I was younger..." you kind of sigh inwardly, but what the heck... not going anywhere anyway so might as well listen. Right? Yeah, this is the joke thread, but I'm just clearing my throat. Feel free to walk away.

So, back when I was younger... I was single. My job eventually got me assigned to an upcountry village in Noréast Thailand. For a couple of years my girlfriend back in Austria and I had a long-distance relationship with quarterly visits. Things seemed to be working well. Meanwhile, I'd become friendly with a local lass.

Miss Austria ended up being made redundant and, for one reason or another, couldn't find a new job. So I said why nor move here?! I earn enough. So move she did. Miss Thailand agreed with the plan. (Heck, if she played her cards right I was her retirement plan! No cynicism - just reality.)

Now being an optimist, I of course brought my European friend to a meet my Asian friend. The two girls got along with each other remarkably well. Probably because my dashing demeaner, good looks, spirit of adventure and sense of humour sparked a sense of camaraderie. Or maybe it was because they were both economically dependant on me. Hard to tell.

Anyway, Jum (as in "loom") fit right into the family dynamics. Miss A controlled the household budget. Miss T knew where to shop and how to get the best prices. When Miss A decided that a clothes washing machine would make life easier for all, Miss T arranged purchase/delivery/installation. Miss A had neither patience nor desire to keep the garden in order, so Miss T arranged a gardener. Soon, with some secret girl-code, a housekeeper appeared. Miss A loved to cook, Miss T introduced fresh local ingredients and gently taught something about local recipes. Going for a girls day out to do a bit of clothes shopping was a frequent and bi-cultural non-partisan event.

The winds blew warm and gentle and life was calm - all was well in my little kingdom.

Except... No way would the two of them agree on sharing the same bedroom! Their theory was simple: You can have an apple or a pear, but you can't have fruit cocktail. And you'd best balance your fruit intake. Consternation!

Barkeep! Another Bourbon rocks, if you'd be so kind.
Even with the housekeeper you were under ten people, so are not violating the rules. Carry on!!! And by the way, I suspect that I and a few others are rather envious.
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Old 18-04-2020, 15:28   #9609
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking about wildlife taking over the streets, here are images from (left to right, top to bottom) Wales, England, New York and Florida.
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ID:	213176  

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Old 18-04-2020, 15:47   #9610
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
With all this stay at home, stay inside thingy wildlife is reclaiming the streets.


That's actually a GIF I can't figure out how to upload. Here: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=...AAAAAdAAAAABAE
Is that turkey hunting?
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Old 18-04-2020, 16:14   #9611
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
So you alternated between their two bedrooms?
More accurately, I went to the bedroom where I was guided. This was not like Yul Brenner in " The King and I" where he made his preference known. And if neither of them was in the mood, well.... An extra futon on the deck and doctors recommend getting a good night's sleep.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY View Post
Even with the housekeeper you were under ten people, so are not violating the rules. Carry on!!! And by the way, I suspect that I and a few others are rather envious.
Usually not a good idea to be envious of anyone. Live your own life as best you see fit. (Fortune cookie wisdom for the day!)

Here's a thought for you: By experience I can attest that when women of near-similar age live together in close proximity for an extended period of time their menstral cycles tend to align. I'd had a vasectomy so the girls were off the pill. Was that TMI? Anyway.... The job required that I leave the area and go "up country" for a few days on a fairly routine basis. Never could get those TDY trips to line up with the girl's cycles. I suspect a conspiracy. Somehow.

So.... It was on one of those up-country trips that a snake crawled into the home, Miss A went into panic mode, and a helicopter ended up circling overhead and illuminating the area with a spotlight while the army sent truckloads of soldiers to fight off the terrorist attack. A story I've already related in some other CF thread.
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Old 18-04-2020, 16:24   #9612
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Is that turkey hunting?
Yeah. Thanksgiving is coming up in a few months and the Turkeys need the shooting practice. They'd use a skeet range but can't afford the membership fees. But Karen comes outside every morning to jog along the lakefront, so there's that.
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Old 18-04-2020, 17:43   #9613
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Re: The New Joke Thread

From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...
5 types of customers since the “rona”:

1) Steve:
He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.

Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

2) Brad:
He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.

Brad will not survive.
Steve will probably eat him.

3) Nancy:
She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.

She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

4) Karen:
She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.

Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

5) Mary:
Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.

Mary will survive and marry Steve.
Together they will repopulate the earth.
May God have mercy on us all.”
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Old 18-04-2020, 18:28   #9614
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Re: The New Joke Thread

about time for a non-CV19 joke i think



An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Austraalia we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

cheers,
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Old 19-04-2020, 01:45   #9615
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Break it to me gently ...


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