The New Joke Thread

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I recently read a report*, that a convent in southern Italy has been shut down, after a fistfight broke out, between the three remaining nuns, there.
Since these nuns now are left with a lot of free time, no steady work, and few marketable workplace skills, there appears to be only one obvious choice …
Pay-per-view Nun Fight.
Admit it, you’d kinda wanna see it too.
* ➥ BBC NEWS | Europe | Feuding nuns force convent demise

If they are not careful, they could get into the habit of doing this!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

I feel so sorry for him. Premature ejection at his age?

That was probably the worst prostate exam he ever experienced. Via a rocket powered seat, no less!

[socaldmax]

Some people should stay home for multiple reasons...

[socaldmax]

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Some people should stay home for multiple reasons...

That is a Mercedes Benz.
A Mercedes Benz Sport Utility Vehicle.
A Mecedes Benz 4-Wheel Drive Sport Utility Vehicle.
A Mercedes Benz 4-Wheel Drive Sport Utility Vehicle apparently stuck in what, 8 cm of wet concrete, or put another way, stuck in 8 cm of mud? With two tyres still on hard, dry, ground?

More than a matter of just staying home, some people should turn in their birth certificates and retire from the human race.

[fabgo]

Originally Posted by svmariane

I saw all of socaldmax's posts just fine. Both times, over these past few pages.

They weren't quite as funny the second time.

[socaldmax]

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[socaldmax]

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[socaldmax]

[smbdyiam2]

Husband and wife read reports on Virus and economy. Husband gets depressed and commits suicide.
Wife thinks they just went broke so shoots stockbroker.
Next door neighbor sees coroner and thinks neighbors must have virus. gets excited and has heart attack. Wife puts husband into car and races for ER. Has car wreck and is killed. police notify 2 sons. Sons argue over possible inheritance. 1 dead 1 jailed.

1st news agency reports 5 dead 2 jailed due to virus.

2nd new agency reports 1 suicide, 2shooting deaths.1 dead in auto crash, 1 dead from heart attack. 2 in jail for shootings. "we need to have more gun control"

3rd news agency reports Economy takes hit on death of stockbroker. more wide spread rumors on virus. 2 births at local hospital.

4th news agency reports they will be closed due to virus.

Friend calls to tell me what he saw on internet. 12 confirmed dead . 29 new confirmed cases. other than virus a normal week in news.

I dismiss this as undocumented rumor.

[rbk]

The Rules:

1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.

2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.

3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.

4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.

5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help.

7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it's important to GO OUT.

8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.

9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.

10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh, my..

12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it's better not to go out, well, but no…

13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don't go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant (but not too old).

14. You can't go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.

15. If you are sick, you can't go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.

16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn't wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too?

17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with " I don't want to trigger panic, but…"

18. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.

19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don't live under the same roof.

20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn't say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.

22. The virus stays in the air - well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.

23. We count the number of deaths but we don't know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were "almost dead" to find out if that's what they will die of…

24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications).

25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by rbk

The Rules:

Outstanding! I greatly enjoyed it and found it very, very funny. I also found it sad since it is true. Well done.