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Old 30-03-2020, 14:14   #9076
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into an anaconda and the floor melted.
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Old 30-03-2020, 14:15   #9077
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
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Old 30-03-2020, 14:16   #9078
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking of YT, one of my hobbies is building and overclocking computers.

One of the YT tech gurus recently revealed that if he used the word "coronavirus" anywhere in his video, he would be "demonetized", which is a YT euphemism for "we won't give you your money."

So he chose to use the term "human malware" every time he shifted topic to the virus.

How is the virus related to a computer tech channel? Well, most of us are buying our parts from Amazon, who has chosen to place computer parts on low priority for shipping. So if you order food or toilet paper, you can still get that within 2 days to a week, but if you order computer parts it will take about a month.

In computer building terms, an extra month to get your $2K or $3K in parts is an eternity.

The funny thing is, if you choose to buy those same parts higher up the food chain directly from China, it only takes 9 - 14 days to arrive.
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Old 30-03-2020, 15:04   #9079
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Montanan View Post
Wyoming wind gauge, can be used on the mast of a sailboat. Will show apparent wind direction and velocity.
I live near there. The sign on the next post says "Light Trucks Not Recommended "
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Old 30-03-2020, 15:34   #9080
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 30-03-2020, 16:08   #9081
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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not really people are more violent.
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Old 30-03-2020, 16:33   #9082
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
This joke may have been posted, but in the current social distancing theme.


How does a Polish couple perform oral sex?


They stand on opposite sides of the room and yell F$#k You at each other.
If only one participates is this non consensual?
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Old 30-03-2020, 18:16   #9083
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Today I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with.

She replied, "Must be nice."
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Old 30-03-2020, 18:49   #9084
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Re: The New Joke Thread

this may have been up here before, but not for a while so here goes ;

ACTUAL WRITINGS from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Note: patient recovering from forehead cut. Patient became
very angry when given an enema by mistake.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
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Old 30-03-2020, 19:00   #9085
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Re: The New Joke Thread

https://youtu.be/xyIzhRvtIJ0
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Old 30-03-2020, 19:41   #9086
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This might be the funniest video I've seen this year.


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Old 30-03-2020, 20:33   #9087
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by skipmac View Post
This might be the funniest video I've seen this year.


I need to find some moles.

I need to strip the grass from my yard.
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Old 31-03-2020, 05:28   #9088
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Given the political climate, let us leave all politics aside in the jokes...
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Old 31-03-2020, 05:29   #9089
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Totally agree.
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Old 31-03-2020, 05:34   #9090
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was thinking of my dads Weather rock . I just remembered where it went. My brother took it" said he wanted a new pet."
Then I thought of Jan 1. 1962 I rode motorcycle to Irish hills of Michigan. I wanted to see Hell freeze over. It did.
and then I thought about last Thursday. I took wife to Doctor. I been wonder where she is.
I guess been thinking too much
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