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13-01-2020, 15:22
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#8146
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2008
Boat: Teak Yawl, 37'
Posts: 2,980
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Re: The New Joke Thread
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was.
She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
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13-01-2020, 15:22
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#8147
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2008
Boat: Teak Yawl, 37'
Posts: 2,980
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Re: The New Joke Thread
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
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14-01-2020, 09:11
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#8148
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: New York, New York
Boat: Dufour Safari 27'
Posts: 1,909
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I am Schziphrenic,
and so am I.
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14-01-2020, 17:32
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#8149
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 51
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Re: The New Joke Thread
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14-01-2020, 17:40
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#8150
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cruiser
Join Date: Jan 2017
Boat: Retired from CF
Posts: 13,317
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Re: The New Joke Thread
still a babe
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14-01-2020, 18:45
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#8151
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Many of us have been to one or more comedy clubs at one time or another. If you're anything like me, you get tired of the profanity, racism, misogyny and/or pro-this/anti-that political screedes. Allow me to introduce you to Dry Bar Comedy.
Recorded at a club in Provo, Utah, USA (home to Brigham Young University) these stand up comedians provide family-friendly humor, laughter, and an unusual twist to everyday life. Well, maybe if you're everyday life might include trying to ride an ostrich as related in the linked video.
This is only one of more than 160 Dry Bar Comedy specials available online. Enjoy!
Edit: My wife is German so don't start - okay?
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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15-01-2020, 04:19
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#8152
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Philippines in the winters
Boat: It’s in French Polynesia now
Posts: 11,368
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Why do people keep telling you, that they are speechless?
__________________
Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful! ........
The measure of a man is how he navigates to a proper shore in the midst of a storm!
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15-01-2020, 07:44
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#8153
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Senior Cruiser
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PORTUGAL
Posts: 30,586
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Re: The New Joke Thread
So anyway..
I was strolling through Coimbra Forum yesterday when I spotted a €20 note half hidden under one of the seatings that are scattered around the floors.
I sat down and picked it up then looked around wondering what to do next..
I was the only person in the seating area.. then I had an inspiration..
What would Jesus do..???
So I changed it into wine...
__________________
It was a dark and stormy night and the captain of the ship said.. "Hey Jim, spin us a yarn." and the yarn began like this.. "It was a dark and stormy night.."
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15-01-2020, 13:12
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#8154
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,619
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Re: The New Joke Thread
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15-01-2020, 13:14
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#8155
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,619
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey
Why do people keep telling you, that they are speechless?
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If they're anything like my friends, that's so you know that they saw it and they're speechless as opposed to their normal state, which is passed out.
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15-01-2020, 13:39
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#8156
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Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 7,374
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Re: The New Joke Thread
"Brother Mark arrives at the monastery where he intends to devote his life to celiate servitude to the Lord. When he arrives, he discovers that the other brothers are creating new books by copying from previous copies.
"So he asks Brother John, 'Do you ever proofread these copies against the original? How do you know that someone isn’t copying a mistake?'
"Brother John ponders this and decides, 'Alright, I’ll take one of the newest copies and compare it to the original text.'
"Off goes Brother John into the vault in the cellar where the original holy texts are kept. The day goes by and that night, he still hasn’t emerged from the vault. The brothers grow worried and Brother Mark goes downstairs to check on Brother John.
"As soon as he steps into the cellar, he can hear the faint sound of sobbing. He follows the sound until he finds Brother John sat with both the copy and original text in front of him. It is obvious that Brother John has been crying for some time.
"'Brother John!' Brother Mark says. 'What is the matter?'
"Brother John sobs again and exclaims, 'Oh my Lord! The word is CELEBRATE!'"
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15-01-2020, 13:43
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#8157
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Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 7,374
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Grammar joke:
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15-01-2020, 13:46
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#8158
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Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 7,374
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Unsure as to if Riddles are permitted to be posted to the New Joke Thread or whether such would be consider but here goes.
A simple riddle:
"A word in this sentence is misspelled."
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15-01-2020, 13:48
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#8159
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Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 7,374
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Re: The New Joke Thread
This joke for fans of the Oxford comma:
"There are three things that I love: the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities."
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15-01-2020, 14:05
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#8160
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: WNC mountains U.S.
Boat: Haven't seen it yet. Bought on Ebay
Posts: 1,214
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by Montanan
This joke for fans of the Oxford comma:
"There are three things that I love: the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities."
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Shouldn't that read?
There are three things that I love: the Oxford comma, irony and missed opportunities.
__________________
If you FEEL like you have been heard. You definitely weren't listening,
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