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Old 04-01-2020, 16:24   #8071
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Very odd I can normally see your attachments but not this time
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Old 04-01-2020, 17:06   #8072
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The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by AKA-None View Post
Very odd I can normally see your attachments but not this time


Well, it saves you from the “fake news” (albeit kinda funny) in post #8068.
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Old 04-01-2020, 18:56   #8073
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 04-01-2020, 19:33   #8074
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Drive by shootings......


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Old 04-01-2020, 19:45   #8075
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by AKA-None View Post
Very odd I can normally see your attachments but not this time
Exactly opposite for me
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Old 05-01-2020, 11:13   #8076
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SHAG.. funny word isn't it?
To a carpet maker it's a long pile rug..
To a smoker it's tobacco..
To an American it's a dance..
To an ornithologist it's a bird..
And to ugly b@stards it's just a remote possibility!
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Old 05-01-2020, 11:29   #8077
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 05-01-2020, 19:27   #8078
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Pretty close, I have 2 eggs instead of just one.

Ummmmmm…… I'm not saying my breakfast table has looked eerily similar to that before, but......…...…… I'm not denying it either
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Old 06-01-2020, 16:36   #8079
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Re: The New Joke Thread

1.Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to
pee.

2.Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.

3.Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone will ring.

7.Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

8.Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

9.Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium -
At any event, the people whose seats are
farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet
and who leave early before the end of the
performance or the game is over. The folks
in the aisle seats come early, never move
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies
and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.

10.The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.

11.Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

12.Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich
landing face down on a floor are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug.

13.Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible IF you don't know
what you are talking about.

14. Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

15.The 50-50-90 Law
Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.

16.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really
like, they will stop making it OR the store will
stop selling it!

17.Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel
better. But don't make an appointment and you'll
stay sick.
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Old 06-01-2020, 17:41   #8080
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
Ummmmmm…… I'm not saying my breakfast table has looked eerily similar to that before, but......…...…… I'm not denying it either
Should be a 45 not a 9 to be more accurate. Could toss in a side of shotgun as well
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Old 06-01-2020, 18:49   #8081
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Posting a rare Aussie joke here...


I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue.

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
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Old 06-01-2020, 18:51   #8082
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A math professor walks into his classroom with a black eye.

Student: What happened professor?

Prof: I got into a fight.

Student: With who?

Prof: Numbers that aren’t divisible by 2.

Class Clown: I guess the odds were against you.
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Old 06-01-2020, 18:52   #8083
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey Xmas CD, and now it's fine.
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Old 06-01-2020, 18:53   #8084
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue...

...for the devil can take many forms!
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Old 07-01-2020, 10:15   #8085
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Re: The New Joke Thread

They've finally come up with an exercise that I can enjoy.

It's a combination of exercising and drinking.

It's called Bacardio.
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