The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

... and every weekend, he would fly 12 crew members with him from Vallejo down to San Diego...."

You were at Vallejo? Now, I'm not really sure, but you've got me wondering if our paths crossed long before either of us joined CF.

The Marine Corps sent me to the Navy's computer electronics school at Vallejo back in the early 70's. The Crow's Nest at the base club was full of, well, sailors, so we Marines had our own club near the barracks on the waterfront. Discount beer, strippers on Fridays/Saturdays - something the Crow's Nest didn't offer. Standard Shore Patrol procedure was simply to frog-step an errant drunken Marine the hundred or so metres from club to barracks with stern warnings to sleep it off - or first fling him into the water should he be really uncooperative!

Thing is, there were quite a few swabbies who'd swing by the Marine club on stripper nights. Brave lads, or they came knowing full well that the probablity of a USN vs USMC brawl breaking out was in direct proportion to the number of litres of beer consumed.


Fun nights. Maybe you and I even exchanged a few flying fists back in the day? All in good fun, of course.

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by GordMay

You just have to frame the question correctly:
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, “Why don’t you ask the priest?”
So Jack goes up to the priest and asks, “Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good priest told him.
Max says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Max goes up to the priest and asks, “Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the priest eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

Ha, just heard that one last night...watched "The Two Popes"...excellent film.

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by svmariane

In Samoa, went into this hardware store looking for "thing". Guy at the counter says they don't stock "thing" anymore. See, a lot of people wanted "thing" and the store had trouble keeping enough "thing"s on hand to stock the shelf. So they stopped ordering "thing". Too much trouble. I almost have to admire the zen-like sensibility of that.

I have had that conversation in real life with a shop owner in Belize! [emoji849]

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Jason Flare

Go on....

OK!

I can't remember it all, but I do remember a few incidents.

This happened the first night I was in the Vallejo bar. 2 Yuppie couples wandered in, with their sweaters tied around their necks they looked like they belonged on a vineyard in Napa. They walked up to the bar and ordered 4 Coronas. The whole place was decorated in Miller Lite banners and that's all he served, so Mike put 4 Miller Lites up on the bar. The head Yuppie says, "No, I think you misheard me, we want Coronas, not Miller Lite." Mike says, "My bad!" and pulls the beers off the bar, puts a lime in each one and puts them back in front of them. Head Yuppie says, "What the hell dude??" Mike says, "Sorry, but as you can see from all of the banners and tap handles, all we sell is Miller Lite." They start laughing and take their beers and drink up.


One day I let the division off at lunch and we all went to H&C in San Diego for afternoon drinks, since it was well into the cocktail hour somewhere, like London. I went up to the bar and noticed an older black guy next to me with a lot of big gold jewelry on him. I wave at Mike to order a beer and he stops me. I have no idea what he's up to but he immediately turns around and yells, "Another round for the house, on me!" So I get it, he didn't want me to pay for my beer. He gets a big cheer from everyone and I thank him for the beer. About 20 or 30 minutes later, he does it again! He just keeps buying rounds for the whole bar, for several hours! I finally asked him what was up and he said he was an old diesel boat sailor who retired and somehow got rich (he didn't elaborate) and so once in a while when he felt like partying, he'd come in there and buy a bunch of rounds for everyone. That was the only time I saw him in there, but we all sure appreciated his generosity!


One of our guys was tall and pretty successful with the ladies. He normally hung back and let the prettier ones come to him, but that night it was a pretty poor selection and he settled on a woman who was a little thicker than he normally liked. He asked her to dance and she went out and danced with him, but he felt like she thought she was doing him a huge favor just dancing with him, much less talking to him. After a couple songs, she was sweating profusely and she went back to the bar. He followed her back and she snapped, "I don't want to dance with you any more!" He immediately replied, "That's OK, I was just going to tell you that you sure sweat a lot, even for a fat chick!"

She grabbed her beer bottle by the neck and swung at him and he easily ducked it, so she started chasing him around the bar, swinging at him as he ran away from her, dancing backwards. After a few minutes of that, she was so winded she gave up and left.


He was also well known for a variation of darts. I don't think he invented it, but when his opponent was throwing, he would put his hand on the center of the dart board with his fingers spread out. If the dart hit his hand, he'd start laughing and place the dart where it would have hit the board, then put his fingers surrounding it. He never told anyone else they had to put their hand on the dart board, but when people saw him doing that, it always seemed to attract other guys who wanted to do the same.


This story is about him, but it happened at the house we all rented in Vallejo. He came back from 3 weeks leave and he had a wife! She was a total opposite, he was good at playing pool, drinking beer and fighting, she was a geologist. We were all asking him questions about how long he knew her, he said they met in a bar, hit it off right away and were married a couple of weeks later.

So we're all sitting around the next night - about 6 guys, 2 strippers (B-rock's and Rick's GFs) and this college educated geologist, drinking beer, eating ribs and steaks and the big guy says, "I'm gonna get a Harley. I want a big, black full dresser to ride around." She says, "What if I say no!?" He laughs and says, "Nobody's asking you, nobody cares!" She replies, "You'll care when I cut you off!" Then he says, "Bitch! You can't cut me off! You don't know where I'm getting it!"

There was a gap between songs, everyone stopped eating and talking - you could hear a pin drop. Everyone looks at her to see how she would react and she didn't say a word, but something sure changed in her demeanor. Later on, some of us tried to ease the tension by trying to get her to tell us about her work, but she was done talking for the night. Based on the noises coming from their room that night, she didn't cut him off and he showed his full appreciation!

A few months later, he found his dream bike and she fell in love with it after riding on the back. Shortly after that, he had to buy her a bike of her own!


Another night, we were all at the bar and "B-rock" (who was a more chiseled version of Max Headroom) was playing pool. It was getting close to closing time and a really gorgeous lady came walking in and she made a beeline for B-rock. They start playing pool, he starts turning on the charm, and pretty soon they're kissing and she starts losing clothing! When her panties came off, that's when I left to give them some privacy and the next morning the other guys said they left right after I did.

The next morning I asked B-rock how his evening went, and he said, "Great!" When I pressed him for more details, he said, "I can neither confirm or deny what transpired after you left, but once they get the pool table recovered, they're making me pay for it!"


We were the hottest running boat in the Squadron, the most decorated sub in the entire Pacific Fleet. We had won the Battle "E" 3 yrs in a row, then after some whining from the other boats (so we heard) they gave the 4th one to another boat even though we always left the pier on time and the boat they gave it to was late going on WESTPAC. Then we won it back again the 5th yr, so we had won it 4 out of the last 5 yrs the boat was still active.

There was a pretty good sized group of us in the H&C that night and one of the guys got drunk and shouted something about winning the Battle "E" 4 of the last 5 yrs. Of course all of the guys from other boats all booed and yelled obscenities in return. There were a couple of guys from the boat that got it the 4th yr, so they boasted they beat us that yr. We all shouted back, "That's impossible, you guys left for WESTPAC over a week late! We ALWAYS leave the pier on time!"

I think one of their guys tossed a drink in the face of our guy who started it all, he shoved the guy back, his shipmate backed him up, but there were probably 12 - 15 of us, so they stopped pretty quick.

The place was full of stuff that was stolen or removed from boats, some of them when they got decommissioned, like ours. Whoever took the item signed their name(s) on it and it got hung up on the walls or ceilings. A few times I took my wife there and showed her the memorabilia on the walls with my name on it. A little bit of history!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

You were at Vallejo? Now, I'm not really sure, but you've got me wondering if our paths crossed long before either of us joined CF.

The Marine Corps sent me to the Navy's computer electronics school at Vallejo back in the early 70's. The Crow's Nest at the base club was full of, well, sailors, so we Marines had our own club near the barracks on the waterfront. Discount beer, strippers on Fridays/Saturdays - something the Crow's Nest didn't offer. Standard Shore Patrol procedure was simply to frog-step an errant drunken Marine the hundred or so metres from club to barracks with stern warnings to sleep it off - or first fling him into the water should he be really uncooperative!

Thing is, there were quite a few swabbies who'd swing by the Marine club on stripper nights. Brave lads, or they came knowing full well that the probablity of a USN vs USMC brawl breaking out was in direct proportion to the number of litres of beer consumed.


Fun nights. Maybe you and I even exchanged a few flying fists back in the day? All in good fun, of course.

Unfortunately, I was there in a different era. I was only up there for about 5 months, roughly June - Nov. 1989 to decommission the boat. I knew about the Marine Barracks, but never went inside. On a couple of nights I saw the women who went in there to pick out a jarhead. Some very attractive, fit women came and had a good time there, quite a bit different than what we usually saw at the enlisted club!

[socaldmax]

[chrisr]

Originally Posted by scaredycat

That is a great yarn.
I spent a fabulous year there in Vallejo in the 70's, with regular weekends driving to San Diego which I loved. One of my favorite cities.

There was a sub mariners bar off base somewhere which I and a few mates frequented after school, which was an absolute hoot. Many tall tales and lies were told with much frivolity and friendship. You yanks though, never did understand the dangers of Drop-bears. Quite unique to Australia.

ahh yes...drop bears...only one protection

more bundy...



cheers,

[Halifax Sailor]

The difference between newly married and married over 30 years, empty nest now.

So the wife and I put up the tree last weekend. She came home from work to find it had fallen over, water, needles and glass all over the living room. She called me and was quite upset telling me the story. My question was "...do you think it made a noise...?" There was a long pause, a big breath and she said "...way too soon..." I am still inviting my daughter over to witness, I mean for dinner tonight.

[Jason Flare]

Awesome stories Socald.

Thank you.

[socaldmax]

My first wife was always big on decorations, she had stuff that had been passed down from her grandmother. We had large glass balls and medium sized glass balls evenly spaced all over the tree.

One day my wife asked me if I broke one of the glass balls. I told her that I hadn't and she told me she found the hook on the tree, but no ball. Then I found a hook with no ball on it. Then we found a few more, but no signs of the missing glass balls!

A few nights later, we're sitting on the couch and our mixed German Shepherd/Sheltie named Kimo casually walks over to the tree, opens his mouth and carefully plucks a large glass ball off of the tree, leaving the hook hanging off of the branch. He saunters back over to his spot, lays down and crushes the ball in his mouth, chewing it all up and swallowing all of that broken glass without dropping any of it!

We were too shocked to move at first! I went and checked his mouth, no cuts or blood anywhere. We thought that was an isolated incident, but the next night, he tried to do it again, but this time I stopped him and had a hell of a time getting the ball out of his mouth intact!

We ended up moving all of the glass balls up out of his reach on the tree to stop him, but we never figured out what that was all about and he never seemed to have any ill effects from it!

[socaldmax]

A couple more dog stories.

We had 2 dogs in HI, Max was a 35 lb German Shepherd/Sheltie mix with long hair on his tail, Kimo was the same mix but about 60 lbs of big lovable dummy. When we first got Max, he started to pee in the house and I caught him and launched him gently out the back door on the grass. He seemed to understand and that was it, he went outside to do his business, reinforced with a few treats the first few times he did it.

I took Max to obedience school and he would learn a new behavior within 1 or 2 repetitions, really complex ones or long distance commands maybe took 3 reps, but once he got it down in class, I didn't need to practice it, he did it perfectly. He was really adept at ignoring other dogs. We'd walk the gauntlet of big barking dogs and he'd casually trot on by like he saw nothing, they didn't exist. He really enjoyed walking without a leash, he'd stay glued to my left knee and if I stopped, he'd sit immediately. The only thing he didn't like was diamond plate metal. If he saw that on the ground, he'd go around it, my theory was the diamond shapes probably looked like spikes to him.

We threw big Luaus about once every 6 or 7 weeks and had 12 - 15 couples over with tons of food and lots of kids. I had taught Max a lot of tricks, high 5, sit, sit up, dance, lay down, balance the biscuit on the nose until he heard "eat" in a sentence and his best one was "BANG!" and he would flop over like he really had been shot! I told the kids he would do all of these tricks, just give him a small piece of a hot dog after he did a complete set of tricks.

Apparently the kids misunderstood because the next thing I know, there are about 30 missing hot dogs and Max has gained what looks like about 15 lbs! His belly is bloated way out there and he can't walk any more, but he's got a huge smile on his face! At every party, he'd work the room like a socialite and he could tell who was going to give him the most hot dogs!

One party he got bored or something and he went through all of the flip flops at the front door and chewed up the right flip flop from each pair! I don't know how he did it, I offered to replace all of the flip flops but everyone laughed and said, "Don't worry about it!"

After everyone left, I took Max into the bathroom and made him sit facing the corner with his nose about 2 inches from the corner. I went out to the living room to watch some TV and my wife asked me maybe 30 min. later why the dog was sitting, shivering in the corner! I went in there and he had not moved, still with his nose in the corner! I told him to come and he ran out and jumped on the couch and climbed on my lap when I sat down. I felt really bad that he was so scared he didn't move, and that was compounded by my wife, screaming in my face about it.

He started getting bored so we got him Kimo as a companion, they looked like brothers but they were opposites. Max was an impatient genius who would bark at us when he wanted us to do something for him, Kimo was a bigger dog who was very sweet, but as dumb as a box of rocks. I let Max train Kimo and Kimo just copied whatever Max did.

It was hilarious to watch them go through the whole repertoire of tricks, because they did them in unison, including "BANG!" They would sit side by side and both fall over in the same direction. Max looked like he was dead, Kimo would look at you for approval and after about 5 or 6 seconds, he'd start wagging his big old tail. LOL I had to yell at him, "Dead dogs don't wag!!" and he'd immediately stop.

Max was so smart he started to understand when he heard the words "ride", "store", "shopping" etc and he wanted to go with us. So we switched to Hawaiian and a few days later, he had that all figured out too. We started spelling and he figured out that must mean the same thing. Soon if we put our shoes on or grabbed the car keys, both dogs were jumping around at the front door, blocking us! We had no choice but to take them with us with each dog sticking his head out of the back seat windows.

That left the problem of how to leave the dogs in the car in the Hawaiian heat while we were shopping or dining. I took the key off of the alarm fob and left the engine running (brand new Honda Accord, so I was sure it wouldn't stall) with the AC on high and used the alarm to lock the doors. One time we were at a restaurant and some nosy do-gooder called the cops without looking for us first. The cops showed up and told the mgr to find us, so we came outside. The cops and the nosy lady were all upset, thinking that the dogs were baking to death, so I unlocked the doors so the cops could check for themselves. The cops felt pretty sheepish when they found out it was about 60* inside the car, parked in the shade. The nosy lady was still all huffy and puffy and full of self righteousness until I got in her face and told her she was going to pay for our ruined dinner.

We lived right across the street from the airport and I could drive right up to the curb in about 3 or 4 minutes. The security guys saw me there picking up friends from the mainland at baggage claim D that after a few times, they let me just park at the curb, they knew me so well. After we got both dogs, I brought them with me and left the back door open. They followed me inside and laid down under the bench. One of the security guards recognized me, but when he saw the dogs, he said, "Brah, no dogs allowed! They gotta go back in da car!" So I motioned to them and said, "Get in the car!" He watched them run outside and jump in the back seat. He was so impressed, he changed his mind and said they could come in with me, as long ans they never bothered anyone, which they never did.

One evening I was watching TV and Max walked in front of it and barked, "Ruff ruff!" I told him to shut up and go outside if he wanted to play. He barked twice again and I yelled, "What do you want??" He barked twice a third time then squatted down and dropped a big turd right in front of the TV!! I was furious and jumped off the couch and started yelling, "WTH!! You know better than that! What's your problem?!"

My wife comes out of the kitchen and yells at me, "Don't EVEN start up with the dog! He warned you THREE times and you did nothing!" She points at the doggie door, which was blocked by a box or something. She yells, "Pick up those turds and flush them and start listening to him, he told you THREE times! You don't listen to me, you don't listen to him, you're just a big *******!"

Just to be clear, when we divorced, she took both dogs and tried to stick me with all of the vet bills!

[chrisr]

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is."
(Corollary: 'It looks good in practice, but will it work in theory?')

There are four types of skipper: those who have been aground; those who are aground; those who are about to go aground.... and liars.

All boats seem crowded when there are more than two people aboard.

It is better to be approximately right than exactly wrong.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Sails don’t blow, they suck.

You cannot change the direction of the wind. You can, however, trim your sails.

Reef when you first think about it. It is infinitely easier to shake out a reef when you are bored, than to tie one in when you are scared witless.

Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

It's always better to be on shore wishing you were out there, than out there wishing you were on shore.

If in doubt, stay out to sea. No one has ever gone aground on a wave.

You can never have too much fuel - unless you are on fire.

Any two ropes which are stored contiguous will become continuous.

There is nothing so distressing as running ashore, unless there is also doubt as to which continent the shore belongs.

cheers,

[socaldmax]

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

A couple more dog stories.

.....Just to be clear, when we divorced, she took both dogs and tried to stick me with all of the vet bills!

You've probably seen the Movie but if not....you will love the ending! [emoji4]
https://youtu.be/3UWIzcJ1Neg

[GordMay]

This news story reminds me of our 70 Lb. Border Collie Sheep-Adoodle mix ("Teddy"), who LOVES the cold. He likes to lay in the snow, and nap.

A Charlottetown couple who have been receiving numerous complaints from people worried their dog Riley is cold when left outside is asking to be left alone.
The two say the dog, which they describe as a husky mix, prefers the outdoors, so they've put a sign on their lawn that says, "The husky is not cold! Leave us alone."
More ➥ https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/princ...cold-1.5032757