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Old 10-11-2019, 21:34   #7336
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Re: The New Joke Thread

After a 6 month deployment, the wife came to pick me up with her son and driving her Dodge Challenger (made by Mitsubishi.) I noticed the front spoiler and skid plate were bashed in pretty badly. I asked her what happened and she said, "Nothing, don't worry about it."

As soon as we got in the car, Jason (about 12 or 13 at the time) says, "Mom hit a milk crate on the fwy."

"Oh yeah? It was probably dark that night and she couldn't see it."

"No, it was broad daylight."

"Well, the car in front of her probably changed lanes at the last second and she never saw it."

"Nope, there was nobody in front of her. She just kept going and bashed right into it."

"Well, it was probably dark grey and blended right in with the asphalt."

"No, it was a bright neon blue, I could see it about 1/2 mi away."

At this point, she said, "OK Jason, you can shut your yapper now!!"

But it got me wondering, just how blind was she? So I told her we were going to play a game. Tell me when you can read the next street sign.

I could read it clearly nearly a block away. We kept getting closer, and closer and closer and finally, about 15 ft away from the sign, she says the name of the street.

Holy friggin hell, she's blind as a bat!! So I dragged her down to an optometrist and he tells us she hadn't had her eyes checked for nearly 10 yrs and in that time, her eyes had gotten really bad, she needed a much stronger prescription.

It helped some, but she was still pretty much blind as a bat.
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Old 10-11-2019, 21:39   #7337
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
IME the beef is usually more like "LIFT THE SEAT AND AIM BETTER"....

Well... if we had to clean it, maybe we would.....

[snicker, snicker]
Reminds me of a couple of signs I saw in a Bangkok bar's mensroom:

"Stand close. It's shorter than you think."

"The girl who puts ice into your drinks glass also
picks the cigarette buts from the urinal."
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Old 10-11-2019, 21:49   #7338
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Re: The New Joke Thread

* * * HOLD THIS PLACE * * *

I'm working on a reply to socaldmax's last post and don't want to lose my place in the sequence of things, the ebb and flow of quick-witted banter, the repartee for which this thread is renowned. Plus I need to refill my vodka/apple juice. Standbye...
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Old 10-11-2019, 22:48   #7339
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 10-11-2019, 22:48   #7340
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 10-11-2019, 23:25   #7341
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Apropos my last, this could take some time to research/locate, but somewhere on another thread I posted a story about how my granddaughter came to live aboard our boat for awhile with what I thought was some guy named "Toni" - which turned not to be a typo in the email but her girlfriend's nickname. Thought I'd repost it in this thread (edited/updated) now the girls plan to get married. There have GOT to be jokes in all that! Just a litttttlllleeee more vodka....

#Meanwhile

Me: Goodbyes are so awkward. Like, do I lean in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
***

I don't know what's more annoying - that my wife uploaded my snoring to spotify, that 44,000 people have listened to it, or that she took the time to release an instrumental version.
***

I saw a strip club across the street from a minigolf place and I'm a liberal but that's too much for me. What if you're just trying to have a nice afternoon with your family then your kids look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf?
***

Okay - found something about having someone in your life who's blind:

https://ifunny.co/video/njlbGKq97
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Old 11-11-2019, 02:29   #7342
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I mean, we blokes *always* lift the seat itself for Number 1, so if we put the seat down, then the lid would have gone with it, right..???

I think you'll find that many, if not most, liveaboard blokes sit down to pee.


I know I do.
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Old 11-11-2019, 03:36   #7343
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I think you'll find that many, if not most, liveaboard blokes sit down to pee.


I know I do.
So do i
That's why they call a boat a "she"
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Old 11-11-2019, 04:25   #7344
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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So do i
That's why they call a boat a "she"



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Old 11-11-2019, 09:02   #7345
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Me too, but not in a disgusting gas station.
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Old 11-11-2019, 10:24   #7346
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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On the boat and at home. Everywhere else, I spray and pray.
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Old 11-11-2019, 10:38   #7347
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So, um,...I assume you gentlemen have the LARGE sized marine toilet that allow you to keep your man bits from touching any part of the bowl or water?
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Old 11-11-2019, 11:07   #7348
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Actually in most cases it is a solution. It is really hard to get all the water out of alcohol because the boiling point of the water alcohol solution it's made from has a boiling point lower than pure alcohol so the best you can get with pure distillation is 95% alcohol or 190 proof. To get absolute alcohol one has to chemically treat the distilled solution to remove the water. Virtually any alcohol you can drink is in fact a solution.
You can use a watermaker membrane to extract the water...
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Old 11-11-2019, 11:34   #7349
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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You can use a watermaker membrane to extract the water...

OW OW OW !!! I am hoping you are posting to a different thread.


And yes, the bowl depth is a serious issue on the boat. (Thetford Nano).
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Old 11-11-2019, 13:15   #7350
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I think you'll find that many, if not most, liveaboard blokes sit down to pee.
Well, when we're using the head, instead of a bottle or going over the side...
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