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Old 08-10-2019, 18:32   #6811
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A snail gets jumped by two turtles, the cops show up and asked the snail what happened. The snail replies, “ I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
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Old 08-10-2019, 18:51   #6812
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Young Man in Critical Condition After Being Yelled at by Friend’s Mom



PEORIA, Ill. — Local teen Billy Johnston was left in critical condition earlier today after being yelled at by a friend’s mother, according to multiple traumatized sources.

“It all happened so fast,” said Tommy Bagsby, Johnston’s friend and the son of the upset mother. “One second, we’re all playing Super Smash Brothers, and the next, my mom barrels in sounding like a firetruck and starts literally screaming at Billy. Everything changed after that.”

However, Bagsby’s mother, Sharon, showed no remorse and believes Johnston needs to “toughen up a little.”

“This is all a little bit overdramatic. I asked him very nicely to take off his shoes when he first came in,” said Ms. Bagsby, enjoying a white wine in her kitchen. “And when I noticed he hadn’t taken his shoes off and was walking on my freshly shampooed carpet, I gently reminded him to take them off again. I really don’t see what the big deal is.”

After being on the receiving end of a deafening shriek from Bagsby’s mother, witnesses claim Johnston’s condition slowly began to deteriorate.

“It was a like a light switch went off. The color drained from his face, and he didn’t want to play video games anymore,” said witness and close friend Josh Lopez while holding a motionless Johnston’s hand. “His eyes sort of glazed over like he was about to cry, but couldn’t. When he refused a plate of pizza rolls, that’s when I knew it was serious.”
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Old 08-10-2019, 18:53   #6813
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas.
They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

“Okay, let’s give it a try."
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:03   #6814
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:04   #6815
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:25   #6816
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:30   #6817
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:31   #6818
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:39   #6819
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:42   #6820
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:46   #6821
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:50   #6822
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:51   #6823
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Old 08-10-2019, 21:52   #6824
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Old 09-10-2019, 13:20   #6825
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for his check.

Duck billed platypus.
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