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Old 06-10-2019, 23:09   #6766
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 06-10-2019, 23:10   #6767
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Makes sense...

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Old 06-10-2019, 23:12   #6768
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Old 07-10-2019, 09:44   #6769
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"


...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."
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Old 07-10-2019, 10:48   #6770
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."
I'm stealing that one.
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Old 07-10-2019, 14:06   #6771
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Old 07-10-2019, 14:31   #6772
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Old 07-10-2019, 15:58   #6773
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Old 07-10-2019, 16:29   #6774
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Don't get that last one, are the claws some superhero or something?
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Old 07-10-2019, 16:55   #6775
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Don't get that last one, are the claws some superhero or something?


Edward Scissorhands possibly?
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Old 07-10-2019, 17:10   #6776
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Edward Scissorhands possibly?
Nope,
A Nightmare on Elm Street - Freddy Krueger.
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Old 07-10-2019, 17:25   #6777
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Eeww, def to be avoided, psyche does not need to be polluted by garbage like that.
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Old 07-10-2019, 17:35   #6778
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The old expression 'to spend a penny' is obsolete.

The EU has a common currency, and the new term is 'to euronate'.


<rim shot>
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Old 07-10-2019, 17:40   #6779
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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So... Do those two represent men? And are they holding hands?
If so, then... oh, never mind.
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Old 08-10-2019, 07:14   #6780
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A black piece of tarmac walks into a tavern, strolls up to the bar and sighs "give me a Guinness mate"

The bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day? ", the black piece of tarmac replies "aye I'm part of the A1 North and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 lorries, a tank, and half a hundred cars."

At this point a second piece of black tarmac walks into the bar. Strolls right up to the bartender and sighs "give me the strongest drink you have"

Once again the bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day?" and once again he gets his answer. "aye I'm part of the m25 and I've had non stop traffic on me all day. 54 lorries, 90 freaking cars and a huge tanker".

The two pieces of black tarmac chat amongst themselves when the doors get kicked open by a piece of green tarmac. As he stomps up to the bar the two pieces of black tarmac run and hide in the bathroom.

The piece of green tarmac gets to the bar he spits on the floor and eyes the bartender. "give me a bleeding Guinness now" he demands to the bar tender. The bartender being used to rude customers acquiesces and gives him his drink. "rough day?" he asks. The green piece of tarmac downs his drink smashes the glass on the floor and stomps back out of the bar.

The two black pieces of tarmac come out from cowering in the toilets and sit back down at the bar. The bartender bewildered asks "what was his problem?" The two black pieces of tarmac exchange a glance "him? Oh he's a damn cycle path".
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