The New Joke Thread

[Pelagic]

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON


While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. So I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.

[socaldmax]

That's odd, I was told Jameson bottles came with nipples for a reason.

[Pelagic]

Pharmacist to customer:
"Sir, please understand, to buy anti depressant tablets, you need a proper prescription ...

Simply showing your marriage certificate and a photo of your wife, is not enough!"

[Joel E Felt]

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokinoff!!

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by Joel E Felt

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokinoff!!

Cows, huh? Your knowledge of bovine anatomy is astounding.

A.

[Canibul]

udderly ridiculous.

but that's probably moot at this point.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

Cows, huh? Your knowledge of bovine anatomy is astounding.

A.

Real beef have no balls! Normally called steers.

[Pelagic]

*
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying* Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked,“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who* couldn't* think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and* big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded,

Did your* mother tell* you to ask me that?

The boy said, "Yes, she did”.
***
"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time,
and ask her to explain that to you."

[D&D]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have
mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband,
that's against the law? I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied; "You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."

[captain58sailin]

Bulls have no opposable thumbs.

[motion30]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

Cows, huh? Your knowledge of bovine anatomy is astounding.

A.

That was really funny

[StuM]

Originally Posted by captain58sailin

Bulls have no opposable thumbs.

Don't need 'em for strokin'. Dogs seem to do pretty well with their tongues

[a64pilot]

Which brings another one.

Q. Why does a dog do that?



A. because he can

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Which brings another one.

Q. Why does a dog do that?



A. because he can

You'd think there would be enough Bitches to go around.

There sure was in my life time.

[svmariane]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."