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Old 30-09-2019, 17:28   #6721
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
No need to thank me, it's all part of the premium GrammarNazi add-on package in your Pedantry4U service!
My bad. (Dag'nab'it! Razin'mazin'fuzin' ^$@# auto correct on Windows XP !)

From the files:
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Old 30-09-2019, 17:45   #6722
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If your wondering whether your going to annoy grammar nazis
with your typos


*you are
...

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..
I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.
...

When we see typos and do nothing the errorists win.
...

You know the people who find it very important to correct you when you make a typo?

They no longer like to be called "Grammar Nazis."
They prefer instead "Alt-Write."


I'll show myself out
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Old 30-09-2019, 19:05   #6723
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ok, I confess. That was hard to read without flinching.

Well played.
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Old 30-09-2019, 19:23   #6724
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Re: The New Joke Thread

"When we see typos and do nothing the errorists win."

That ones a keeper
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Old 30-09-2019, 19:26   #6725
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What I if told you

...you read the Title wrong?
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Old 30-09-2019, 19:27   #6726
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”
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Old 30-09-2019, 20:28   #6727
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
"When we see typos and do nothing the errorists win."

That ones a keeper
Well, you can keep it for now but if the person who first wrote that accuses me of theft then I'm going to have to request its return. Sorry.
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Old 30-09-2019, 21:54   #6728
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”
Priceless !!
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Old 01-10-2019, 15:56   #6729
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Was walking down to the pub the other day.
This girl was out there with a clipboard.
Asked me if I could spare a few minutes for cancer research.
I said alright, but we're not going to get much done.



Guess we could pop over there to the pharmacy and see if they have anything.
...

An elderly man has been released from the hospital to spend his final
days at home with his beloved wife. He's lying in bed when he smells the
aroma of his favorite home made cookies. Despite his frail condition, he
manages to get out of bed and make his way to the kitchen. Seeing a
plate of freshly baked cookies, he reaches out a trembling hand to get
one when his wife smacks him on the wrist with a spatula, saying "Put
that back! Those are for the funeral."
...

FOR SALE BY OWNER:

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent

condition. £1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married

last month. Wife knows everything.
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Old 01-10-2019, 16:11   #6730
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Taken From Actual Doctor’s Notes

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

7. The patient refused autopsy.

8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

9. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

10. She is numb from her toes down.

11. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

12. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
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Old 01-10-2019, 22:51   #6731
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 01-10-2019, 23:43   #6732
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My mum grew up in a house on a hill overlooking the local beach. She used to think that God made the world upside down - that beaches should be at the TOPS of the hills, not at the bottom.

Same goes for pubs I reckon.

I have to drive to the pub (down a steep hill) because I literally can't walk back up the hill.

But if the pub were at the top of the hill, I could get a scooter and just roll home.

That would work, wouldn't it..??

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Old 03-10-2019, 17:48   #6733
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It's kind of like an underwater nuclear powered taxi service. The only ones who know where they went and what they did were the guys wearing dry suits and rebreathers.

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Old 04-10-2019, 10:12   #6734
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Popeye was a really good photographer, Because he was...

“Popeye DSLR man!”
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Old 04-10-2019, 10:14   #6735
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A popular refrain in the US now...


If you like Subpoena Coladas...

And getting caught in Ukraine...
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