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Old 25-09-2019, 17:14   #6676
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The local IT dept calls it a PICNIC problem- Problem in Chair, Not in Computer.
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Old 25-09-2019, 20:03   #6677
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Socaldmax, Please save us from these grammar jokes. We love your material
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Old 25-09-2019, 22:24   #6678
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Socaldmax, Please save us from these grammar jokes. We love your material
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Old 25-09-2019, 23:20   #6679
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I hope someone is suitably offended.
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Old 26-09-2019, 02:01   #6680
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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IDK IMHO its OK.

Must resist....must resist......must resist.... Oh, what the heck!


It's it's.


I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.


A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
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Old 26-09-2019, 03:41   #6681
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My dog won't play fetch with my frying-pan.

It must be non-stick.
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Old 26-09-2019, 05:55   #6682
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Re: The New Joke Thread

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve. You are to love her forever!"

Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?"

God shrugged, "Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."
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Old 26-09-2019, 05:56   #6683
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison.
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Old 26-09-2019, 05:57   #6684
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I bought coconut shampoo the other day.

When I got home I realized I didn't even have a coconut.
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Old 26-09-2019, 06:03   #6685
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And now for a real joke...

Laurie fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Laurie, honey, we've got to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been making love for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you've only got one tooth left."
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Old 26-09-2019, 06:46   #6686
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Saw this on another feed.

"In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant."
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Old 27-09-2019, 03:48   #6687
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Forsale:
1992 DMC DeLorean, Good shape, tires good, Runs well, low mileage.
Only driven from time to time.
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Old 27-09-2019, 04:33   #6688
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Forsale:
1992 DMC DeLorean, Good shape, tires good, Runs well, low mileage.
Only driven from time to time.
Back to the future...
Would bid only if the flux capacitor is in good shape. This spares are rare.
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Old 27-09-2019, 05:36   #6689
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A lady asked me if I smoked after sex. I told her I didn't know. I never bothered to look.
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Old 27-09-2019, 06:40   #6690
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It is difficult to tell who give some couples the most happiness, the minister who marries them or the judge who divorces them.

(attributed to Mary Wilson Little)
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