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Old 12-09-2019, 07:40   #6511
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In most Asian cultures their last name is first. In the case of the twins from Austin powers, it works both ways.

Fook Mi and Fook Yu
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Old 12-09-2019, 22:55   #6512
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
Time to update my CV:


"Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents."
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.
.
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I changed a light bulb in the office today!


The maintenance dept. has filed a formal complaint against you. Apparently you've broken some labor union rules.
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Old 12-09-2019, 23:47   #6513
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Apparently that joke is still on you.

You do know that test was repeated many times without the desired effect so they put an incendiary device in there to make sure the gas ignited.

If it were really a problem anywhere on the planet we would not have gas tanks in the same place on most vehicles.

Now, what thread is this?
Sorry, but I can't let this misinformation slide.

A large number of deaths occurred due to Pintos getting rear ended, so the NHTSA conducted their own tests, which confirmed that Pintos can indeed burst into flame if rear ended.

Ford's own testing showed a shocking propensity to burst into flames.

"Records indicated that Ford had first conducted rear-end collision tests on the Pinto in December 1970, months after it was already in production. Initially, 11 carefully coordinated crashes were conducted, and in all but three of them, gas tanks ruptured and often burst into flames. In the three tests that didn't result in fires, the cars had prototype safety devices that engineers had developed while working with suppliers."

The incendiary device issue was actually involving network news stories, not the NHTSA crash testing. UCLA conducted testing on crashes resulting in fires, so they rigged up Ford sedans with incendiaries and ABC news used that footage without revealing that incendiaries were used. There was also an incident where NBC's Dateline show used incendiaries rigged up to a GM truck to produce a fire on cue, even though GM trucks only burst into flame once out of every 4,000 side impacts. They lost a lawsuit to GM and it included a public apology for their deceptive reporting tactics.

A side effect of the crash testing was they discovered that all American made and Japanese made cars broke the seat where the back hinges to the seat bottom. This allowed the two front seat dummies to either fly backwards into the rear seat and break their necks, injure the rear seat passengers, or go through the rear window where they then got BBQ'd.

Testing of Mercedes Benz vehicles showed that their seats were stronger and did not break in a collision. When a MB engineer was asked how much more it cost to build the stronger seat frame, the answer was $2 per seat. When he was asked why none of the American mfrs spent the extra $4 per car to protect the occupants, he replied, (something like) "I cannot speak for them or their motives, but our intent is to sell you another car after it's saved your life. Hopefully you'll be grateful and buy another MB. We do know that dead people don't buy any more cars."
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Old 13-09-2019, 00:30   #6514
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 13-09-2019, 00:30   #6515
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Old 13-09-2019, 00:40   #6516
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It must be hereditary...

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Old 13-09-2019, 00:42   #6517
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Mike Tython is a pretty funny guy...

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Old 13-09-2019, 00:44   #6518
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Old 13-09-2019, 00:45   #6519
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Old 13-09-2019, 00:47   #6520
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It will be pretty obvious right after she washes the dishes...

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Old 13-09-2019, 00:49   #6521
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Old 13-09-2019, 00:52   #6522
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Old 13-09-2019, 00:52   #6523
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Old 13-09-2019, 00:57   #6524
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Re: The New Joke Thread

That's a lot of fish!

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Old 13-09-2019, 03:42   #6525
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A catamaran cruises slowly across the Pacific Ocean on a broad reach, flying only its jib. Making a stately four knots, the boat is coasting along under clear sunny skies across a vast blue ocean. Nobody can be seen on deck. Empty beer and rum bottles roll back and forth to the gentle swell, one of them thumping into a stanchion with each leeward lurch.
The remote stretch of ocean is completely empty-except for a small atoll with one bit of land poking up from the surrounding reef, with a handful of palm trees leaning away from the trade winds. And the boat. The cat, named SeaFood, sails steadily along as the swells start to hump up beneath it. Both bows bite into the reef, cracking themselves on coral. The hulls immediately flood. Three people, all hungover, come flying up on deck. Seeing that the boat is a total wreck, they jump into their deflatable, start their tiny Honda and scurry toward shore. They do their best to avoid the worst of the surf crossing the reef, but still they tear both tubes and their dinghy reaches the shore just before it goes completely flat.
Gord May, Dockhead, and Sailorchic34 stumble up the beach.
"Where the hell are we?" says Sailorchic34.
"I don't know, but it is way, way too hot," says Dockhead.
"Welcome aboard the CF," says Gord May.
"What?!?!" the other two ask.
The three lost moderators spend a week recovering from their hangovers and subsisting on coconuts. They sunburn despite clinging to what little shade is available, and completely fail to catch any of the obvious fish sporting in the lagoon. Things are looking bleak for our salty sailors, when one day they spot a bottle on the beach.
"Is that more rum?" Sailorchic34 asks, as she hastily pulls the cork. A thin blue plum of smoke pours out of the bottle, and slowly takes the form of a beautiful genie.
"No, that's not rum," says an appreciative Dockhead.
"Welcome aboard the CF," says Gord May.
The genie looks them over.
"Hmm, three of you. Very well, you may each have one wish. But only one each. Be careful, and wish wisely."
"Oh, thank god!" says Sailorchic34.
"I wish to be home, back on my boat with all of my cats! And I want more ca-"
But before Sailorchic34 could finish that second thought, she had vanished with a small popping sound.
Dockhead looked around.
"Well that seemed to work..."
He thought for a moment.
"I wish to be in the Solent on my brand new Garcia Exploration 52, tricked out with-" But before he could continue, he too disappeared with a small popping sound.
The beautiful genie gave a sigh. Granting wishes was hard work. She turned to Gord May. He was looking around the beach wistfully.
"And you sir. What do you wish for?"
Gord May's face fell.
"I don't really need anything..."
The genie gently put her hand on his arm, and in a kindly voice said
"I can grant you anything. Surely there must be something you want?"
Gord May looked up and down the little beach, lost in the vast sea. He turned to the genie with a tear in his eye.
"I miss my friends. I wish they were here."
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