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Old 11-09-2019, 16:20   #6496
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by liquidice View Post
More horse stories please.

I got Baby when I was a little boy, maybe 5 or 6.
Later I got Honey, before I was a teenager, she was a blonde quarter horse and was named that for her color, I didn’t name her. Honey was rock solid, would do anything you asked and you could shoot off of her and she wouldn’t flinch.
Except for running water, she had a deathly fear of running water, even a little stream 2 or 3 inches deep and a foot across she would not cross, but she would jump in the lake or canal and we would swim across. But if that water was running, forget it.
One time we came upon a huge Water Moccassin, she froze, it hissed like a tire going flat and she wouldn’t move an inch, it crawled off eventually and then she would move. I expected her to throw me, but she didn’t, she never did.

She came with Ace, Ace was a coal black, very powerful Stallion, when you rode him you could feel his muscles flex, powerful horse. When you rode Ace you were making requests, which he almost always followed, but if you came up on another horse, there was going to be a race, you couldn’t stop it, all you could do was hold on. Other than that he was usually fine. Only way you could catch him though was to catch Honey, he wouldn’t leave her, catch her and you could catch him.

I never got my kids horses, I guess I should have, I could have, but they tie you down, you can never really travel. Someone has to be there to take care of the horses.
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Old 11-09-2019, 16:54   #6497
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This is great writing.
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Old 11-09-2019, 17:01   #6498
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The last time I rode a horse it was on a trail ride in Wisconsin. He kept trying to bite me, or to stop and eat oak leaves, or a combination of the two. It was an unpleasant ride for both of us, but my brother-in-law and his brother had fun.

How is a lawyer like a fighting rooster?

The fighting rooster CLucks deFiance
While a lawyer...
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Old 11-09-2019, 17:08   #6499
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by AnglaisInHull View Post
For those who weren't already aware, Gord knows everything.
The Google-** is strong with this one!


Edit: The forum replaced an "f" followed by a "u" with two asterisks. Does it think I typed a rude word?
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Old 11-09-2019, 17:21   #6500
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Remedial math?

Add the beds, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply.
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Old 11-09-2019, 18:55   #6501
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Remedial math?

Add the beds, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply.


Ouch took me a second
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Old 11-09-2019, 20:13   #6502
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Economic Stimulus' payment.

Sometime this year we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ...


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .


* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .


* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )


Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !



No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Don’t forget RVs, couches, mattresses and most boats. They are too costly to ship.
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Old 11-09-2019, 22:23   #6503
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by StuM View Post
The Google-** is strong with this one!


Edit: The forum replaced an "f" followed by a "u" with two asterisks. Does it think I typed a rude word?
Eff yu is an acronym for a rude phrase in English.
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Old 11-09-2019, 23:22   #6504
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Eff yu is an acronym for a rude phrase in English.

I actually knew that. But it's not very common in all lower case and following a hyphen. Let's try something else

Kungfu
KungFu
Kung **
Kung-**


Edit: OK, Guess I'll have to call it GoogleFu in future.
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Old 12-09-2019, 03:35   #6505
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 12-09-2019, 07:02   #6506
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A king was feeling depressed. The queen decided to hire a clown, hoping to lift his spirits.

At the end of the clowns performance, everyone in the kings court was laughing and applauding. Except the King.

The Queen turned to her husband and said “What is it? Are you feeling any better?”

The King sighed. “No, I still feel pretty down... but I certainly appreciate the Jester.”
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Old 12-09-2019, 07:03   #6507
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife is a magician.

Yesterday she turned our car into a tree.
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Old 12-09-2019, 07:11   #6508
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Surgeon’s 2nd Career

I knew surgeons were talented...
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Old 12-09-2019, 07:30   #6509
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post

Edit: The forum replaced an "f" followed by a "u" with two asterisks. Does it think I typed a rude word?

The letter F followed with a U can often be thought of that way
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Old 12-09-2019, 07:34   #6510
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by StuM View Post
I actually knew that. But it's not very common in all lower case and following a hyphen. Let's try something else

Kungfu
KungFu
Kung **
Kung-**


Edit: OK, Guess I'll have to call it GoogleFu in future.
Or Google-foo
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