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Old 05-09-2019, 18:52   #6406
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yesterday, a homeless man approached me while I was checking the mail...

He said, "Sir, I hate to bother you, but I haven't eaten in nearly two days. Is there any way you can find it in your heart to give me a dollar or two?" I told him that I only had large bills. He said, "Hell, I'll take one of those!"

So I looked through what I had in my hand, and gave him my electric bill.
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Old 05-09-2019, 20:40   #6407
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I can relate to that kind of large bill!
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Old 05-09-2019, 21:55   #6408
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly beautiful waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,

"What would you like, sir?

"He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful
frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie. "

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again. "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
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Old 06-09-2019, 05:26   #6409
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Yeah, but then I thought about the women I see wearing fur and I'm not so sure anymore.

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Old 06-09-2019, 06:44   #6410
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He complains to the bartender, "My girlfriend took one of those home pregnancy tests last night and it shows that she's pregnant," .

"Are you going to keep it?" the bartender asks.

"I don't see the point," the guy replies. "You can only use them once."
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Old 06-09-2019, 06:44   #6411
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.

Her boyfriend would've helped, but he's out of town.
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Old 06-09-2019, 06:45   #6412
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.
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Old 06-09-2019, 11:46   #6413
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Yeah, but then I thought about the women I see wearing fur and I'm not so sure anymore.

Yes, but she's not threatening to go fur-less, thank God!
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Old 06-09-2019, 19:52   #6414
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Re: The New Joke Thread

From the ex GF files...

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Old 06-09-2019, 19:53   #6415
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Old 06-09-2019, 19:54   #6416
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Old 06-09-2019, 19:55   #6417
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Old 06-09-2019, 19:57   #6418
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Old 06-09-2019, 19:58   #6419
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Old 06-09-2019, 19:58   #6420
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