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Old 29-08-2019, 14:54   #6331
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Random bit picked off the interwebs...

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."

Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!




I'll show myself out.....
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Old 30-08-2019, 04:20   #6332
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 30-08-2019, 05:58   #6333
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
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Old 30-08-2019, 10:18   #6334
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
The company stood rooted to the ground in terror. The creature was about fifty feet tall, with wide lapels, long dangling participles, and a pronounced gazetteer.

"Aiyee!" shouted Legolam. "A Thesaurus!"

"Maim!" roared the monster. "Mutilate, mangle, crush. See HARM."

(Bored of the Rings)
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Old 30-08-2019, 12:58   #6335
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Congress members will now wear bar codes on their foreheads so lobbyists can scan for price checks and perform self checkout.

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Old 30-08-2019, 13:25   #6336
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my feelings.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big old red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
For a while I was looking for mood house paint, so I could pull U-turn before getting home.
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Old 30-08-2019, 13:34   #6337
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Speaking of pie. Hereís a slice from NASA

https://www.nasa.gov/feature/goddard...greening-earth
..."While the detection of greening is based on data, the attribution to various drivers is based on models,Ē...

The jokes are sometimes found in the models.
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Old 30-08-2019, 13:34   #6338
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Congress members will now wear bar codes on their foreheads so lobbyists can scan for price checks and perform self checkout.

The opposite of PROgress is

CONgress.
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Old 30-08-2019, 23:45   #6339
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Re: The New Joke Thread

From a FB post:

I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out some flowers said to me ďItís so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something thatís just gonna dieĒ to which I replied:

ďAnd you gotta buy them flowers.Ē
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Old 31-08-2019, 00:11   #6340
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 31-08-2019, 11:21   #6341
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Only mildly amusing, but functionally spot-on accurate.
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Old 31-08-2019, 16:44   #6342
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by john61ct View Post
Only mildly amusing, but functionally spot-on accurate.
The key questions are:

1 Which is the cleaner facility?
and
2 Are transitional female to male persons fully represented in their choice of commode?

Perhaps a revolving door entering a unisex area flashing metamorphic images to the rocking tune of Kaleidoscope, will be tomorrow's standard.

Sorry, haven't had my morning coffee yet
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Old 31-08-2019, 17:03   #6343
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post

Perhaps a revolving door entering a unisex area flashing metamorphic images to the rocking tune of Kaleidoscope, will be tomorrow's standard.

Sorry, haven't had my morning coffee yet
Here's tomorrow's standard:

The 'We Don't Care' bathroom signs we have been waiting for - TODBY
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Old 31-08-2019, 18:51   #6344
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Equal rights for women see the vid......

https://www.top5reviewed.com/female-urinals/

Or maybe what’s normally in the men’s room, one of theses.......


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Old 31-08-2019, 19:37   #6345
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Equal rights for women see the vid......

https://www.top5reviewed.com/female-urinals/

Or maybe whatís normally in the menís room, one of theses.......
.

In my younger days, I've seen "bar hostesses" sitting on those to do their business.
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