Heard about the new James Bond film?
How this time around 007 will be portrayed by a black woman? Times are changing, so I thought to recall
a few items before they're discarded in the dustbin of history
<edit: about to become herstory, I guess>
Lines cut from various 007 films:
Miss Moneypenny... "Mi6? No, you're a lot older than that, Mr. Bond."
M... "Yes, Bond, you will get a Licence to Kill, but, until then, here is your learner's permit
007... "Wait, so I can't kill without a licenced adult in attendance?"
Dr. No... "No, Mr. Bond. Perhaps you were discovered because you had your LEARNERS CARD IN THE WINDOW!"
Goldfinger... "Martini shaken not stirred? That just dilutes the booze with icy water
making for a weaker drink, you namby-pamby!"
Kara Milovy... "Sorry James, I like you but not in that way. Friends?"
007... "One martini, shaken not stirred… and four Jaegar bombs."
Q... "And finally, 007, here is a a wristwatch with a built in laser. Be careful where you point that, will you? Sorry but that's the lot - this is the eight items or less queue. Get it? Q... queue? No? God, you're no fun anymore."
<alternet line, also cut> Q... "Im the 8 items or less Q!"
And already cut from the new screenplay:
EU Immigration checkpoint: "Sorry Mr Bond but due to Brexit we can't let you enter unless you tell us what your plans are on an official form."
"My name is now Pussy Nomore. I had sex reassignment surgery."
<Apparently this entire scene was deleted for reasons unknown. Perhaps it was too long. The film, the film was too long! Get your mind out of the gutter.>
M... "Sorry James. It looks like I'm going to have to remove your license
to kill. In your separation packet you'll find application forms for a license
to kvetch and also a license to gaslight."
Bond, James Bond... (closing scene at a pub, fadeaway) "A pint of lager and a bag of cheese and onion crisps, please."