The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Yeah, but if they are silly enough to argue politics they are likely lost too.

Jim

[socaldmax]

I'm not sure which is sillier. Arguing about politics, or arguing with a joke.

[LakeSuperior]

I’ve recently been told that I should live every moment as if it was my last.

My neighbors are starting to get annoyed with the constant screaming and crying.

[LakeSuperior]

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?"

He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

[LakeSuperior]

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Me: No.

Judge: (covers mic) What do I do?

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?"

He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

Shocking isn't it!

[delmarrey]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's Arizona , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Arizona are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "I will create California…Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there.".

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

Speaking of Arizona...

[LakeSuperior]

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die.

[LakeSuperior]

Don't stop working till your bank account looks like a phone number.

Me: Hello, operator?

[socaldmax]

When HIV first became a thing, San Francisco found it necessary to modify their CPR procedures for first responders.

The new procedure was changed from administering mouth to mouth resuscitation to standing over the victim and yelling, "If you don't breathe, you're going to die!!"

[GordMay]

[Eigenvector]

A few good ones.........