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Old 26-06-2019, 17:00   #5746
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Dave_S View Post
Something
If you dog craps on the sidewalk, pick it up.


.
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Old 26-06-2019, 17:14   #5747
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?}
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?}
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
}___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
}WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?}|
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?}|
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
}WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.}
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
}WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Old 26-06-2019, 17:16   #5748
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A couple were sitting in a restaurant.

One of them said to the waitress...
"We don’t eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

The waitress replied "Maybe a taxi...?"
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Old 26-06-2019, 17:17   #5749
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Little Hodiaki

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said, 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death?'
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry,1775,' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response, except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln,1863.'
'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'Let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy,1961.'
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves
Little Hodiaki isn't from this country, and he knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: Stuff the Japs.'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded..
Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur,1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that?'
Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'
Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand, and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
'Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh ****, We're screwed!'
Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian Labor Party, 2019!'
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Old 27-06-2019, 00:46   #5750
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One for Boatie...

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Old 27-06-2019, 01:28   #5751
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Thanks for that, Matt, nice one for Boatie.

I also like the Hodiaki story: each year, it gets longer.

Ann
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Old 27-06-2019, 01:39   #5752
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that?'
Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'
Correction - line 3 should read 'US President George H. W. Bush to Japanese Premier Kiichi Miyazawa, 1992'.
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Old 27-06-2019, 07:00   #5753
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 27-06-2019, 11:23   #5754
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase. He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calls emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
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Old 27-06-2019, 11:24   #5755
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife calls me her ‘trophy husband’

...but it’s a participation trophy.
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Old 27-06-2019, 11:27   #5756
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A mother Galapagos finch has two chicks. One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when he says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”

“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to tell you is a secret, so you mustn’t share this with anyone. Not a SOUL. Don’t tell your father, don’t tell the tortoise down the street, nobody. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” said the chick.

“Well, your brother, he’s adapted.”
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Old 27-06-2019, 13:22   #5757
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It's a Miller's add so some of you have probably seen it.

https://youtu.be/kb0kiiB3O-o
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Old 27-06-2019, 13:48   #5758
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Words you can't retrieve....
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Old 28-06-2019, 12:59   #5759
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Old 29-06-2019, 12:11   #5760
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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