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Old 25-05-2019, 13:22   #5566
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The majority
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Old 25-05-2019, 16:28   #5567
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Epicurean View Post

The real problem with youtube is, if you can get pizza delivered, you could sit in front of the computer all day. We used to call people like that couch potatoes. Is there a new term?
That's a great challenge..
A new term ???
Keybored.....
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Old 25-05-2019, 21:55   #5568
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Re: The New Joke Thread

"The real problem with youtube is, if you can get pizza delivered, you could sit in front of the computer all day. We used to call people like that couch potatoes. Is there a new term?"

vidiots
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Old 26-05-2019, 01:37   #5569
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How about "inerts"? You know from Newton's first law about inertia and a body at rest tending to stay that way.

On second thought, if the majority are vidiots (Not keybored, mind you, because that implies motion - of fingers) we should have a special name for the minority: "uninerts" probably will never catch on.
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Old 26-05-2019, 02:03   #5570
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Something
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Old 26-05-2019, 06:21   #5571
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Leroy decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his fishing equipment.

His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence, she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit fishing. Maybe you should sell your fishing equipment."

Leroy gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," Leroy replied.
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Old 26-05-2019, 08:34   #5572
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Epicurean View Post

The real problem with youtube is, if you can get pizza delivered, you could sit in front of the computer all day. We used to call people like that couch potatoes. Is there a new term?
I believe it's "mouse potato".

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Old 26-05-2019, 13:20   #5573
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by BobHorn View Post
Leroy decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. .............
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," Leroy replied.
Instant classic.
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Old 26-05-2019, 15:02   #5574
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Mouse Potato...That's great!
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Old 26-05-2019, 16:26   #5575
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head - a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of ..."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.



Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go **** herself."
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Old 26-05-2019, 17:02   #5576
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Re: The New Joke Thread

While this may seem like common sense to most people, it's apparently newsworthy to CNN viewers...

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Old 26-05-2019, 17:03   #5577
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training, he was ready for his first mission. The cat was to embark on a journey to Saturn's moon, Titan, to discover if life would be sustainable...

The rocket prepares for take off.

5...

.

4...

.

3...

.

2...

.

1...

.

BLAST OFF!!

.

UP

.

UP

.

Up

.

up

.

up

.

up

.

up

.

...and POW the cat bursts through Earth's atmosphere and begins his journey as the first feline in outer space.

A few weeks go by, and after a while the cat starts to get bored. He spots a red planet nearby, and although he tries to resist the temptation, he sets the shuttle on a new course. Before Houston could stop him, he lands on Mars.

Houston sends a probe to investigate what the hell the cat was up to and why he decided to venture so far off course.

The probe gets to Mars and finds tracks, which lead it to an area of wreckage and signs of a fight.

The cat is dead, flat as a pancake on the ground and a robot, once sent to explore Mars, had cat remains trodden into its tracks.

It was clear ...

Curiosity killed the cat.
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Old 26-05-2019, 17:08   #5578
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Re: The New Joke Thread

That was a good one! Great windup!
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Old 26-05-2019, 17:13   #5579
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Good that one deserves a rim shot.
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Old 26-05-2019, 17:39   #5580
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There once was a baseball umpire, one of the best in the majors. His skills in his trade were exemplary but he was a vile person. Constant use of nasty language, made disparaging remarks based on race and religion, resorted to physical violence when arguments with players or managers erupted... a thoroughly unpleasant fellow.

One day, after calling a trying game in the World Series, he came home, heaved a great sigh of relief, sat down and called for his little boy to come set on his lap for a cuddle. The boy refused, of course.

Why?

The son never sets on the brutish umpire, that's why!

Jim
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