The New Joke Thread

[mako]

True chat:

Daughter: "They put a whole metal rod down my leg and 5 screws. And I have 20 staples in my leg"

Mother: "Celia, I love you with all my heart and pray you will be ok. Celia what's going on please tell me?"

Father: "If we need money we could take you to the scrapyard"

[LakeSuperior]

Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver.

All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

[LakeSuperior]

They thought I had Alzheimer's but then all my memories came back.

My doctor said I reached the point of know return.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

They thought I had Alzheimer's but then all my memories came back.

My doctor said I reached the point of know return.

<insert drummer's rim shot here>

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Puzzled look. Enlightenment. NFOMCL.

NFOMCL?

[JoeRobertJr]

Originally Posted by Adelie

NFOMCL?

Nearly fell off my chair laughing.
It's the new ROTFL.

[LakeSuperior]

Dad giving advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just reach back, grab a handful of sh*t and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."

Son "Where do you get the sh*t from?"

"Trust me, it'll be there."

[LakeSuperior]

An elite task force teams path toward the objective requires sneaking through sewage pipes. Their leader begins to explain their mission.

Leader: “Okay men, some of you may know what dangers we are about to face, about 2 miles in we will reach an opening to a hideout with some of the worlds most dangerous assassins”

Corporal: “It’s okay sir, we’ve been training for this moment for years!”

L: “One thing I must warn you guys is that the liquid starts getting deep and that will mean your movement will be limited, I suggest we keep to the edges, if no one has any more queries we should start moving”

C: “Wait sir!”

L: “Yes Corporal”

C: “So what I understand you’re saying is this is a... sewer side mission”

[LakeSuperior]

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?

[D&D]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

Have you ever done anything of merit, St. Peter asked?"

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s**t out of all of you!'"


St. Peter was impressed, "How long ago did this happen?"





"Couple minutes ago."

[LakeSuperior]

A man was wearing an animal suit which was half Bee and half Moth.

He finds that something is creeping on his back so he asks a stranger to remove it for him. The stranger agrees to help him and checks his moth half but finds nothing there. The man asks the stranger if he could search the other half of his suit and the stranger replied, "Fine, I shall search on your bee-half."

[delmarrey]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.


“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[LakeSuperior]

A woman goes to the doctor:

Lady: Doctor, I can't seem to stop singing "The green, green grass of home."

Doctor: Looks like you've got Tom Jones syndrome."

Lady: Is it a common disease?

Doctor: It's not unusual.

[LakeSuperior]

So I was in Mexico and I asked a man if what we were looking at was the ocean.

He said: "Si"

[Eigenvector]

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