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Old 06-05-2019, 13:34   #5476
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Re: The New Joke Thread

After a race four crew are sitting at the bar and one asks, "How does your wife let you go racing EVERY weekend and EVERY Wednesday night for the beer can races?"

The first guy responds, "It was easy, my wife wanted a new house, I bought it for her and she lets me sail all I want."

The second guy responds, "It was easy, my wife wanted a Maserati, I bought it for her and she lets me sail all I want."

The third guy respond, "Man, the first two guys have it all wrong. I wake my wife up with an elbow in the ribs at 5:30AM, and ask, 'Race course or intercourse' and she says, 'Get the hell out of here.'"
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Old 06-05-2019, 13:47   #5477
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Young guy from California moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in California."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down and asked, "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?!"

Then the kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..."
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Old 06-05-2019, 14:19   #5478
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You might be a sailing bum if:
-- any of your wedding gifts came from West Marine...
-- you think girls look "hot" in wet weather gear...
-- you think rum is the official state drink..
-- your best shoes are Topsiders...
-- your halyards are brand new, but your belt has two splices...
-- you read Latitude 38 under the covers with a flashlight...
-- your underwear has a North Sails logo...
-- your bar tab equals your paycheck...
-- you have a beer can crusher mounted on your mast...
-- you have at least one broken boat part in your car at all times...
-- you have a Mount Gay poster in your living room...
-- you've ever traded a Dramamine for a beer...
-- you have to dress up to go to Wal-Mart..
-- you think of duct tape as a long term investment..
-- you've been involved in a fight over the last chocolate chip cookie...
-- people are afraid to touch your weather gear">foul weather gear...
-- you think matching wet weather boots are an acceptable wedding gift...
-- you've ever written your resume on a bar napkin...
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Old 06-05-2019, 14:33   #5479
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by faragaki View Post
You might be a sailing bum if:
-- any of your wedding gifts came from West Marine...
-- you think girls look "hot" in wet weather gear...
-- you think rum is the official state drink..
-- your best shoes are Topsiders...
-- your halyards are brand new, but your belt has two splices...
-- you read Latitude 38 under the covers with a flashlight...
-- your underwear has a North Sails logo...
-- your bar tab equals your paycheck...
-- you have a beer can crusher mounted on your mast...
-- you have at least one broken boat part in your car at all times...
-- you have a Mount Gay poster in your living room...
-- you've ever traded a Dramamine for a beer...
-- you have to dress up to go to Wal-Mart..
-- you think of duct tape as a long term investment..
-- you've been involved in a fight over the last chocolate chip cookie...
-- people are afraid to touch your foul weather gear...
-- you think matching wet weather boots are an acceptable wedding gift...
-- you've ever written your resume on a bar napkin...

I took my wife lingerie shopping a little while ago. She was surprised when I took her past the Victoria’s Secret shop and into the Icebreaker shop a few doors down. I explained that winter’s coming and I want her to be toasty warm with merino long underwear under her foul weather gear. After I explained that she shouldn’t wear any cotton underwear under the merino she smiled and bought a bunch of stuff. I have to say that she looks damn good in the form fitting base layer.
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Old 06-05-2019, 16:34   #5480
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Re: The New Joke Thread

...but probably a lot better out of it.....
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Old 07-05-2019, 03:27   #5481
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour … green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
“What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”

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Old 07-05-2019, 03:32   #5482
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why did the admiral decide against buying a new hat? He was afraid of cap sizing.

Vikings were expert mariners - you can lead a Norse to water, but you can't make him sink.

If you dream of sailing on sweet, fizzy orange waves are you having a Fanta-sea?

3.14% of Sailors are Pi Rates.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!

How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?
A buck-an-ear!

What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say?
RRAAAAAAAAAAA!

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Old 07-05-2019, 03:41   #5483
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.
“What’s this?” asked the skipper, “It looks as if someone is drowning!”
“No,” explained his crew, “It’s just a little wave.”

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Old 07-05-2019, 04:10   #5484
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My son asked why I speak so softly in the house.
I said to him: “I’m afraid that the NSA may be listening.”
He laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed...
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Old 07-05-2019, 05:49   #5485
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
My son asked why I speak so softly in the house.
I said to him: “I’m afraid that the NSA may be listening.”
He laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed...


My wife asked why I bought a gun.

I said, “Because of the Decepticons.”

She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.
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Old 07-05-2019, 06:05   #5486
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Sounds logical to me.........
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Old 07-05-2019, 06:07   #5487
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It all comes full circle.........
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Old 07-05-2019, 09:35   #5488
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."
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Old 07-05-2019, 09:35   #5489
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now.
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Old 07-05-2019, 09:36   #5490
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A horse walks into a bar

"Hey", the Bartender says.

"Sure", the horse replies.
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