The New Joke Thread

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[El Pinguino]

Planning one's movements isn't just for when you are at sea.....

Sighted at Paihia... near Opua... while passing through last week.....

Old folk's home nearby or just old sailors?

[GordMay]

[LakeSuperior]

In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments. So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they would have this small and skinny grad student crawl into the barrel to adjust things for the scientists.

When the kid graduated a professor was asked if he had anything to say about the student.

He said “you know I’m kinda sad because I don’t think I’ll ever find another student of his caliber”.

[LakeSuperior]

My wife who was sick of my jokes said: "How about you stop sitting on your butt all day coming up with terrible puns, and start writing a book or something!"

Me: "Thanks Dear, now that.... is a novel idea!!!!"

[LakeSuperior]

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don. One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college.

On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening.

Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him

At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02.

The bartender was astounded-- he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted:

"Whole Don here for just one minute!"

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