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Old 15-03-2019, 05:43   #4741
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Jason Flare View Post
Thanks for the picture of the fentanyl. I was a real eye opener.

If I were to have tried it I would have started with a lot more than that.
And that's why so many people are dying from it.

I would NOT do anything that isn't grown naturally from the earth.
And sometimes not that either. Self preservation.

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Old 15-03-2019, 10:08   #4742
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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And that's why so many people are dying from it.

I would NOT do anything that isn't grown naturally from the earth.
And sometimes not that either. Self preservation.

And just as an FYI.... https://www.illegalaliencrimereport....new-york-home/
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Old 15-03-2019, 10:32   #4743
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I would NOT do anything that isn't grown naturally from the earth.
You mean like cyanide?
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Old 15-03-2019, 15:30   #4744
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Minister is Leaving

At the regular Sunday morning service, the Minister announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred, who owns several car dealerships in Boston and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the minister stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

John a successful businessman and lawyer, stands up and says, "If the minister will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for
his children!.

More sighs and loud applause.

Sally, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the
minister stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.

The Minister, blushing, asks her: "Sally, you're a wonderful and

holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sally's 90-year old husband, Paul, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Paul said: "F&^$ him."


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Old 15-03-2019, 17:30   #4745
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Please note that "The Minister is Leaving" joke is now stolen for retelling at my local pub.
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Old 16-03-2019, 11:37   #4746
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Man: Doctor, is it serious?!

Doctor: Oh my God, stop the autopsy!!
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Old 16-03-2019, 11:41   #4747
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

Now I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!
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Old 16-03-2019, 11:46   #4748
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Millennial: Say, can you tell me when you use that calculator?

Engineer: Oh, only on special equations.....
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Old 16-03-2019, 11:47   #4749
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The worst pub I've ever been to was called - The Fiddle...

It really was a vile Inn.
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Old 16-03-2019, 13:21   #4750
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Re: The New Joke Thread

............
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Old 17-03-2019, 02:45   #4751
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Its just not cricket!
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Old 17-03-2019, 06:48   #4752
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Reminds me of a guy I met a few years back when I was selling real estate. He bought this rather large acreage with three very large buildings on it. Said he was going to raise chickens.

The day the deal closed, a big truck arrived with 10,000 pullets! I was impressed.

Six months later, I saw that the property was back for sale, so I stopped in.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I donno, but I'm outa business," he replied with a mystifying look on his face. "I just can't figure it. I must have planted 'em too close together or too deep."


Were going to need a soil sample to figure this out.
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Old 17-03-2019, 07:14   #4753
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we only allow each passenger one carrion"
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Old 17-03-2019, 07:17   #4754
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.

But ten years later, guess who I saw at McDonalds? My teacher.

I served him a big mac with no pickles even though he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?
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Old 17-03-2019, 07:18   #4755
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal.

Elongate would be really drawn out.
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