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Old 09-03-2019, 10:01   #4696
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Jenny’s Mother phones Johnny’s Mother in a rage.

“I need to talk to you about your son’s behaviour! I walked in on him and Jenny playing doctors and nurses earlier, I was shocked. “

“Well all kids experiment sexually, I’m sure it was perfectly innocent” Johnny’s Mother replies.

“Sex?? He was taking her appendix out!!”

Gotta hand it to little Johnny, he's pretty talented!
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Old 09-03-2019, 10:13   #4697
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Gotta hand it to little Johnny, he's pretty talented!
Not really, seems he was operating on the nurse.
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Old 09-03-2019, 10:21   #4698
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Not really, seems he was operating on the nurse.
Were you doing appendectomies at that age?

Even nurses need surgery occasionally.
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Old 09-03-2019, 10:28   #4699
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Not really, seems he was operating on the nurse.
You’d probably be surprised at the number of nurses that marry doctors after being “operated” upon.
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Old 09-03-2019, 10:33   #4700
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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You’d probably be surprised at the number of nurses that marry doctors after being “operated” upon.
My wife was an ER nurse, it's a damn miracle she didn't leave me for one of the many doctors that tried to date her.

And a joke...

What do you get when an elephant and a rhino mate?


Elephino!
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Old 09-03-2019, 10:41   #4701
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What’s the difference between an elephant and peanut-butter?

Elephants don’t stick to the roof of your mouth.
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Old 09-03-2019, 11:03   #4702
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Little Johnny has 5 red apples. His dad’s car will arrive in 20 minutes. Calculate the mass of the Sun.

Q: What did the scientists conclude, when they found bones on the moon?
A: The cow didn’t make it!

Q: What’s a light-year?
A: The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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Old 09-03-2019, 11:17   #4703
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Little Johnny has 5 red apples. His dad’s car will arrive in 20 minutes. Calculate the mass of the Sun.
.....


1.9885×10^30 kg
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Old 09-03-2019, 11:35   #4704
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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1.9885×10^30 kg
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Old 09-03-2019, 11:57   #4705
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 09-03-2019, 15:12   #4706
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Re: The New Joke Thread

> one thing you will never have...a dinosaur.

Every good pirate should have a dinosaur

Why are birds the only surviving dinosaurs? | Natural History Museum
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Old 09-03-2019, 16:55   #4707
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Fiveslide View Post

What do you get when an elephant and a rhino mate?


Elephino!
Gawd! I think that was the first joke I ever learned back in the early 50s.

What do you get when you mix an elephant with a jackass.

A RINO (political joke)
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Old 09-03-2019, 17:01   #4708
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Valerie was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Valerie's favorite rooster, old Bo, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Bo's bell hadn't rung at all!

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Valerie's amazement, old Bo had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Valerie was so proud of old Bo, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Bo the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Bo was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
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Old 09-03-2019, 17:33   #4709
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from Home Depot, who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

(Helloooo,......... just because I'm a senior citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.)

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year........"that these windows would pay for themselves in a year"

It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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Old 09-03-2019, 17:43   #4710
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Today I was in a sales job interview. The manager handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try to sell it to me".

So, I put it under my arm and walked out of the office and went home.

Eventually, he called my mobile and said "Bring it back here right now!"

I told him "For $200 it's yours!"
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