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Old 05-02-2019, 04:58   #4456
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There was a recent experiment carried out when students studying Infromation technology were split split by gender and the two groups were asked to state whether computers should be considered as masculine or feminine. And why. The responses were illuminating: -


The men said computers are feminine because: -


1. No-one but their creator understands the internal logic
2. When they communicate they use code only they and experts can understand
3. Every mistake that is made is stored on the hard drive for later reteival
4. As soon as you commit to one you spend half your pay trying to accesorise it.


The women said computers should be considered as masculine because: -


1. You have to turn it on before you can get its attention
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They're supposed to help you solve a problem but half the time they are the problem
4. As soon as you buy one you discover that if you'd waited a little longer you could have got a better model.


Cheers


Ian
aka Two.
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Old 05-02-2019, 12:57   #4457
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"

Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper
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Old 05-02-2019, 13:19   #4458
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Re: The New Joke Thread

trendy, latest kink

adult baby diaper lovers (ABDL)
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Old 06-02-2019, 17:47   #4459
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
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Old 07-02-2019, 13:55   #4460
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Re: The New Joke Thread

^^^^ Religious arguments in a nutshell.^^^^

Still laughing, me ....
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Old 08-02-2019, 08:03   #4461
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If a cow doesn't give milk ...
Is it a milk dud, or an udder failure?
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Old 08-02-2019, 17:12   #4462
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Old 08-02-2019, 19:25   #4463
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside
her, "Father, may I ask a favor of you?"

"Of course child. What can I do for you?"

"I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened
but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is
there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly
hide it under your robes for me?"

"I would love to help you my dear; but, I must warn you, I will not lie!"

"With your honest face, Father, I'm sure no one will question you!"

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, "And what do
you have to declare from your waist down to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but
which, to date, remains unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next, please!"
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Old 08-02-2019, 20:05   #4464
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Be Free View Post
That's ICMP


Abcd goldfish?
Lmno goldfish.
Osar. Cmpn?

Apologies in advance.
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Old 08-02-2019, 20:10   #4465
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
If a cow doesn't give milk ...
Is it a milk dud, or an udder failure?


Awful. Painful. Thanks!
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Old 09-02-2019, 01:38   #4466
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by dfelsent View Post
Abcd goldfish?
Lmno goldfish.
Osar. Cmpn?

Apologies in advance.

How do you see a goldfish pee?



Alternatively, CDBDI
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Old 09-02-2019, 03:43   #4467
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A pair of a novice sailors’ best mate died, and, in his will, specified that he wanted them to bury him at sea.
So, the pair set out from shore in a rowboat with the body. They had rowed out a little way when one got out of the boat and stood knee deep in water.
“We need to go out further,” he told the other. So they rowed out another fifty yards, and the same sailor jumped out again to find the water reached his chin.
“We need to go out further,” he said again.
About 150 yards from shore, he jumped out of the rowboat again and disappeared under water. After five minutes, he reappeared coughing and spluttering, and said to the other:
“That's far enough; hand me the shovel.”
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Old 09-02-2019, 15:27   #4468
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife apologized for the first time today.

She said she was sorry she ever married me.
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Old 09-02-2019, 15:29   #4469
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said, “You have a wee cough?”

I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
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Old 09-02-2019, 15:50   #4470
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I copied this from the other thread on Russian Ships off South America. Thought this engineering joke belonged here.........




A Russian acquaintance once explained to me that the evidence for thermal expansion was that the days length in the summertime is longer than the days length in colder winter and that the astronomical Red shift observed in the spectrum of distant fleeing stars is obvious because cars heading towards you have white lights, but those moving away have red lights.
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