The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[JPA Cate]

My, what a wily warning!

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by GordMay

svmariane's post reminds me of my favourite history book.

“1066 and All That (A memorable History of England, comprising all the parts you can remember, including 103 Good Things, five Bad Kings, and two Genuine Dates)”
~ by Walter Carruthers Sellar (1898–1951) and Robert Julian Yeatman (1897–1968).

Read it here ➥ 1066 and All That

Well pffft if you're going to quote published authors and the like instead of giving a Gold Star to folk with original inventive stuff posted right here on good old CF! Waa... Waa.... <sniff> I'm gonna go talk with George down to the pub. <sniff> So there!

[Therapy]

Men Are Just Happy People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

[Pelagic]

Lol, too true Therapy,
....but (physiology aside)...
why do our women like to try and make us feel guilty about our simplistic lifestyle?

[GordMay]

And just to expand on Therapy's thesis.


EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
... When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
... A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
...The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

DRESSING UP
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
... A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking (or not) as they went to bed.
... Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
... A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
The difference (between us) comes down to semantics, and can be summed up with the one word women might say (and you really need to recognize it, because it's subtle). The word is "Fine!", because at this critical moment, everything is anything but fine.
.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Lol, too true Therapy,
....but (physiology aside)...
why do our women like to try and make us feel guilty about our simplistic lifestyle?

Because they like to spread the misery.

That's where the saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" comes from.

The other saying, "Happy wife, happy life" is an implied threat. To prove that theory, just make her unhappy. See what happens. All kinds of unhappiness will ensue, not the least of which is revocation of your ticket to the amusement park. The park might still be open, but you're the one person who won't be in it.

[socaldmax]

Definitely boat related.

[Buzzman]

Was this vessel launched just before the handover to China....???/

[mako]

Originally Posted by Therapy

Men Are Just Happy People! etc. etc.

yes, well, very nice. Unfortunately for us... “I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men. They are far superior and always have been..."

I think you know the rest, and it is all true!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by makobuilders

yes, well, very nice. Unfortunately for us... “I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men. They are far superior and always have been..."

I think you know the rest, and it is all true!

I do agree that women are superior for the most part.

However, happiness and superiority are two completely different things. I don't see any correlation between the two, except for the blissfully ignorant. I leave them alone, why ruin someone's bliss?

[mrm]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Definitely boat related.

Yes, and even though messing with port of call is frowned upon, they might have considered King Kong as well.. ;-D

[Wdlfbio]

Goodness. I was up way too late last night reading through these. Hilarious.

So I’ll add one.

Little Johnny and Papa were going fishing. Little Johnny totes his new fishing pole and a coffee can full of fresh nightcrawlers down the dock and hops into the boat with Papa. Papa fires up the outboard, casts off the dock line, and motors to the X.

Enroute, Little Johnny asks if he can drive the boat. Papa hesitated for a second and then responds, “well Little Johnny. Is your wiener long enough to touch your bunghole?” Stunned, Little Johnny answers no. “Then you’re not big enough to drive the boat yet.”

They get to the X and Papa tosses out the anchor. Little Johnny grabs his fish’n pole and starts to grab a worm. Papa takes the coffee can and tells Little Johnny thst he’s not big enough to bait his own hook yet. Little Johnny frowns and waits.

After Papa baited the hook, Little Johnny prepares to cast out. “Whooooaaaa” says Papa. “Hand that over young’n. You ain’t big enough to be cast’n out your own pole yet.” Frowning even more, a tear starts to trickle down Little Johnny’s eye.

Papa casts out and hands Little Johnny his pole. “Keep and eye on that there bobber”, he says.

As Papa rigs up his pole, Little Johnny’s bobber gets violently jerked underwater and is gone. Little Johnny hauls back on the pole and the line goes tight. The fish starts pulling drag and Little Johnny is extatic. “Papa, Papa. I got a biggun’. It’s a monster.”

Papa starts to reach over to grab the pole from the struggling Little Johnny. “Hand ‘er over a Little Johnny. You ain’t big enough to land that fish”.

Little Johnny hesitates and turns away from Papa. He asks, “Well Papa, is your wiener long enough to touch your bunghole?” Stunned, but with confidence, Papa answers, “Why yes it is.”

With that, Little Johnny responds, “Then go F*#k yourself, I’m catching this fish ya old coot!”

[Eigenvector]

Who'd of thought he was into Pink Floyd.....

[ohgary]

What global warming..