The New Joke Thread

[delmarrey]

And for the redlight district........



.

[LakeSuperior]

My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

At least that's what she said in her diary...

[LakeSuperior]

As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy.

I’m galactose intolerant.

[GordMay]

"The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out." ~ Texas Rep. Steve Stockman

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” ~ Dan Quayle

[delmarrey]

Yeah, my fear is that the whole island (Guam) will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.
~Congressmen Hank Johnson

Let's not get started on AOC (ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ) there's just too many to list.

[dfelsent]

I have to say this thread is awesome.

[GordMay]

[El Pinguino]

The frog....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Y3AXzZqg2k

[GordMay]

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[svmariane]

^^^ ^^^ Wow! Good one!

[El Pinguino]

The beauty of the youtube one is that it was told by an ABC radio commentator in the middle of a cricket match.... it must have been a slow game...

[Jim Cate]

t must have been a slow game...

when describing a cricket match, is this not redundant?

But it is a heroic pun/joke... I like it!

Ji,

[StuM]

Ah Feghoots. Who doesn't love then and hate them at the same time?


In the days of yore, a knight on an important mission, rode his horse so hard that it became lame. Spying a village ahead, the knight headed straight for the stables there.
“I must have a horse!” he cried, “The life of the King depends upon it!”
The stable keeper shook his head. “I have no horses,” he said. “They have all been taken in the service of the King.”
“You must have something–a pony, a donkey, a mule, anything at all?” the knight asked.
“Nothing. . . unless. . . no, I couldn’t…”
The knight’s eyes lit up. “Tell me!”
The stable keeper led the knight into the stable where they saw an enormous dog! It was almost as large as the knight’s horse. But it was also the filthiest, shaggiest, smelliest, dog the knight had ever seen.
Swallowing, the knight said “I’ll take it. Where is the saddle?”
The stable keeper was adamant. “I can’t do it.” he told the knight.
“Why won’t you give me the dog?” cried the desperate knight.
The stable keeper replied, “I wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.”

[socaldmax]

[GrowleyMonster]

Boudreaux, Thibodeaux & Hebert all died on the same day and there souls went to Heaven where St Peter met them at the Pearly Gates. St Peter looks at them and said “Look Boys You are in Heaven now and there are lots of things to do up here but one thing you can not do is step on my Ducks. Do you understand?” At that moment all three said “Yes we understand Do not step on the ducks.”

Well everything was going well Boudreaux, Thibodeaux & Hebert were so glad to be there. Then it happen Hebert wasn’t paying attention and he step on a duck.

Out of no where St Peter appeared and he had the most grouse ugly woman any one has ever seen. He went up to Hebert and grabs his arm and hand cuff the woman to Hebert and said “Your punishment will be that you will spend eternity with this woman.

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux looked at each other and Boudreaux said “Be careful where you step.” They were careful for a while and then it happen again Thibodeaux was backing up and shore enough he step on a Duck.

Out of no where St Peter appeared and he had the most grouse ugly woman any one has ever seen. He went up to Thibodeaux and grabs his arm and hand cuff the woman to Thibodeaux and said “Your punishment will be that you will spend eternity with this woman.

Boudreaux said “That won’t happen to me.” And for years he never steps on a Duck.

Then One day out of no where St Peter came from the heavens and picked up Boudreaux by his arm. Boudreaux didn’t understand just what he did for this to be happening. Then Boudreaux and St Peter came down next to the most beautiful woman Boudreaux has ever seen. St Peter went up to Boudreaux and grabs his arm and hand cuff the woman to Boudreaux and this time he didn’t say a thing.

Boudreaux just looked at the woman and said “What was that all about?”

She said “I don’t know? One minute I am walking along and by accident I step on a Duck and then this happens.”