The New Joke Thread

[Therapy]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Therapy

OOOF!!

I know, right?

1000x better than an obscure math joke!

[GordMay]

Whoever said, “Do the job right the first time and you’ll never have to do it again” never shoveled snow off a Canadian driveway.

[GordMay]

The great Canadian border wall would create a significant drop in the number of South Florida’s snowbirds, which could amount to tens of dollars in lost tips to Florida waitresses.


So:

Concerned, But Not Wanting To Offend, Canada Quietly Plants Privacy Hedge Along Entire U.S. Border.

https://outabouter.com/2017/01/18/co...re-u-s-border/

https://www.change.org/p/justin-trud...-canada-border

[GILow]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I know, right?



1000x better than an obscure math joke!

Which are brown black green times better than obscure electronics jokes.

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by GILow

Which are brown black green times better than obscure electronics jokes.

Brown black green gold more or less

[john61ct]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Say what you want about pedophiles …
But, at least they drive slowly through the school zones.

Yah Louie can't tell **that** one anymore 8-D

[GILow]

Originally Posted by dfelsent

Brown black green gold more or less

Nice.

But 1.0 x 10^6 times better than obscure maths jokes.

_
M times better than obscure history jokes.

[socaldmax]

[LakeSuperior]

I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 weeks.


I didn't want to interrupt her.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Concerned, But Not Wanting To Offend, Canada Quietly Plants Privacy Hedge Along Entire U.S. Border.

https://outabouter.com/2017/01/18/co...re-u-s-border/

https://www.change.org/p/justin-trud...-canada-border

No offense taken! Good fences make good neighbors. But for those who are more aggressive, we have other means. 😁

.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Concerned, But Not Wanting To Offend, Canada Quietly Plants Privacy Hedge Along Entire U.S. Border.

Wow. Am now reconsidering my reconsideration of my consideration that Gordo was/is kidnapped and was/is being impersonated by somebody who obtained Gordo's CF password and might actually be/was/is impersonating Gordo. Might need to fly to Montreal and use the city as home-base for an investigation.
{Marijuana is legal there, right? -
Not that that makes a difference, of course....}

Anyway...

Q: What do you call a sophisticated American?
A: A Canadian.

Q: What are the 2 seasons in Canada?
A: Winter and July.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They don’t change lightbulbs, they try to accept them the way they are.

Q: What's the difference between an American and a Canadian?
A: A Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.


gotta go...

[Mirage35]

Not my fault, SVMARIANE made me think of this one.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Californians don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

[delmarrey]

Speaking of Canadians........

[Tayana42]

Max, lego of it.