The New Joke Thread

[LakeSuperior]

"You've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife.


"Shut up," I replied, "and get this mattress off me."

[GordMay]

Frequently Asked Questions About Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO):
Facts About Dihydrogen Monoxide

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAI1JAYj53k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d54IrOBC1S0

The 14-Year-Old Who Convinced People to Ban*Dihydrogen Monoxide | Mental Floss

[GordMay]

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag.
He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1,000.
However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1,000,000.
So, I feel much safer..."

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

I remember as a seven year old school boy, visiting a Scottish castle and using their toilet paper.
Every piece had "Property of her Majesty's Government" stamped on it.

Apart from being curious about what else they collect? ...The roll was like wax paper and l thought, that queen most have a tough old arse.

Ahh.!!! Izal toilet paper.
The original non stick product..

[IslandHopper]

[GordMay]

Some Interesting Statistics:

Apparently, 3.52 out of 7.9 people overcomplicate things.

According to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research, nine out of ten

79% of accidents happen in the home.

Finally, good news for the homeless.

Statistics show 40% of people fail maths.
I can proudly say I am in the other 74%.

I'm right 97% of the time, so who cares about the other 4%?

They say one in five friends are alzheimer suffering murderers.
I don't know which one of my friends it is though, as they've all gone missing recently.

[GordMay]

[GrowleyMonster]

82% of all statistics are just made up on the fly.

[LakeSuperior]

I’ve installed podiums and microphones all over my yacht.

They’re just for deck oration.

[LakeSuperior]

I couldn't understand why my dog was motionless...

Then I realized....It was on paws

[GordMay]

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.
For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

[JohnT]

Originally Posted by GordMay

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.
For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

True, but if she is waving a meat cleaver at you and not preparing your dinner, it could also be an indication of slight annoyance or touch of anger. It is for you to try and figure out what you did wrong! Best to avoid her and return to the pub.

[Therapy]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[GordMay]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST ...

Priceless! Thanx.


I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in, and noticed that everything was half off.
Surprised, I didn’t know back to school sales had started already.

[ontherocks83]

You can tell a lot about how much a woman likes you by her feet. If they are behind her ears, she REALLY likes you.