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Old 27-12-2018, 21:19   #4066
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I gave my wife a new refrigerator for Christmas this year.


I think she really liked it cause when she opened it her face lite up.
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Old 28-12-2018, 02:57   #4067
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I gave my wife a new refrigerator for Christmas this year.


I think she really liked it cause when she opened it her face lite up.
Didn't the old one have a light bulb?
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Old 28-12-2018, 03:36   #4068
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Another one pg rated and pc incorrect. Sorry....
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Old 29-12-2018, 06:26   #4069
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Re: The New Joke Thread

All mushrooms are edible.
Some are only edible once.
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Old 29-12-2018, 11:32   #4070
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

Me: (sipping toast) why?
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Old 29-12-2018, 11:35   #4071
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Pirate goes up to his captain as they're about to raid a ship


The pirate says, "The cannons be ready, Cap'n!"


The Captain says, "Are."
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Old 29-12-2018, 12:31   #4072
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

Me: (sipping toast) why?

If I recall, she immediately regretted getting you that new BBQ grill right after she caught you pouring BBQ sauce on the cat.
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Old 29-12-2018, 12:48   #4073
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Tayana42 View Post
If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

Gordy, Thats the best one yet. Not sure if its a joke though.

The US holds the CONstitution in reverence,
but scorns PROstitution


hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

food for thought
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Old 29-12-2018, 13:05   #4074
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Re: The New Joke Thread

“If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?"
My Dad used to credit that to Mark Twain, but apocryphal, apparently first reported in Louis Untermeyer, A Treasury of Laughter (1946), p. 655, so not that old.

But these are his

I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature Congressman.

A jay hasn’t got any more principle than a Congressman. A jay will lie, a jay will steal, a jay will deceive, a jay will betray; and four times out of five, a jay will go back on his solemnest promise.

Suppose you were a member of Congress. And suppose you were an idiot. But I repeat myself.
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Old 29-12-2018, 19:29   #4075
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How about this one..................


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Old 29-12-2018, 20:19   #4076
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eigenvector View Post
How about this one..................



Hahahahahaha

Bloody hamsters
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Old 29-12-2018, 21:32   #4077
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read:

*** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10. ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.

The redneck guessed 8. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, but no FREE SEX this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along w/his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his FREE SEX.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no FREE SEX this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away FREE SEX."

Bubba replied, "No. it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
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Old 30-12-2018, 07:47   #4078
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Bread Kills!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
4. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread.


The effects are obviously cumulative:
- 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
- 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
- 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.


In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
5. Pass a law to limit all use of bread to two slices.
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Old 30-12-2018, 07:55   #4079
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Re: The New Joke Thread

excellent!
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Old 30-12-2018, 08:13   #4080
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The New Joke Thread

The bread post reminds me of this video of di hydrogen monoxide
https://youtu.be/G6Xb4dmQOyY
There is a better video of a fake news team getting people to sign a petition against it, but I cant find that one
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