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Old 25-12-2018, 06:13   #4036
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Merry Christmas all!!!
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Old 25-12-2018, 09:01   #4037
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte.

And then everything crashed.
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Old 25-12-2018, 09:11   #4038
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Never thought I’d be comfortable near a Rabid Badger but turns out I’d even be happy to to ride one.
Who knew?
Saw this at SeaTac airport last night. Click image for larger version

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Old 25-12-2018, 10:37   #4039
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Last night (Christmas Eve) at church-opening lines for sermon (and yes there was a point it led too-eventually)

So for Xmas husband buys his wife a burial plot. She thinks this somewhat strange but decides it’s very thoughtful of him.

A year goes buy and he buys her nothing for Xmas. “Why didn’t you get me anything for Xmas this year” she asks.

He replies - “You still haven’t used the present I got you last year”.
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Old 25-12-2018, 15:05   #4040
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by senormechanico View Post
Back in the days of portable vacuum tube type radios, there WAS such a thing as B batteries.
The A battery was for the tube filaments and B battery (usually 90 volts) was for the plate voltages.


Not that I'm giving away my age or anything....

There still are B batteries (but they are not the same as those old tube batteries. The one on the right: (AA by comparison)








AKA U10 (UK), IEC designation R12 /LR12.
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Old 25-12-2018, 16:05   #4041
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In coherence with the battery lettering scheme theme above I submit the following.

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the ocean over there?" the lottery winner says.

"Oh, him? That's a C horse."
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Old 25-12-2018, 16:06   #4042
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Scotsman says, "I'd like to buy a round for the whole pub."

The headlines the next day read, "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death in alley behind pub."
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Old 25-12-2018, 16:07   #4043
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Where does Santa shop for the bad children?

Kohl’s
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Old 25-12-2018, 16:38   #4044
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Very PC Celebration

At this time of the year it’s difficult to know what to say without offending someone. So I’ve checked with my legal adviser and on his advice I wish to say the following to all friends and colleagues.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2019, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced
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Old 25-12-2018, 22:55   #4045
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Re: The New Joke Thread

On Christmas eve, three sailors all died on the same day and stood before St Peter waiting to get in.



St Pete: "It's Christmas Eve. I know you three probably have a lot of dirt on your rap sheets, but in honor of the occasion, I will give each of you a free pass through the pearly gates if you have something on your person that in some way signifies Christmas."



First sailor pulls out a lighter and flicks it to life. "It's a candle, and candles are a very traditional part of Christmas celebration" Saint Peter thinks about it for a minute, then waves the first sailor on through the gates.



Second sailor unclips his keys from his belt and jingles them. "These are Christmas bells." Saint Peter thinks on it and though it is a bit of a stretch to call them Christmas bells, decides that the merry tinkle and jingle are very bell-like, and waves him through, too.



Third sailor hesitates nervously, trying to think of something that he has on him that signifies Christmas. The consequences of failure fill him with dread! Then the light comes on. With a triumphant smile, he pulls a pair of scanty lacy panties out of his pocket and shows them to Saint Peter.



Saint Peter's eyebrows shoot up. His facial expression turns grim as he contemplates what he will probably have to do with this last sailor who seems to be frivolously mocking the celebration of Jesus' birth. A stern faced St Pete asks indignantly: "How do women's undergarments, sexy ones at that, probably from some very sinful woman, signify Christmas?"



Third sailor replies: "Well, these are Carol's".
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Old 25-12-2018, 23:18   #4046
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In Australia we have a rather silly populist politician named Pauline Hanson who represented (initially) the electorate of Oxley.

She was very quickly nicknamed "the Oxley-Moron".....
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Old 26-12-2018, 01:36   #4047
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by IslandHopper View Post
A Very PC Celebration

At this time of the year it’s difficult to know what to say without offending someone. So I’ve checked with my legal adviser and on his advice I wish to say the following to all friends and colleagues.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2019, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced
I am apauled that you would write such a thing, some of us have reading difficulties and you have shown no consideration for us in your lengthy and uncaring post.
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Old 26-12-2018, 02:42   #4048
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave_S View Post
I am apauled that you would write such a thing, some of us have reading difficulties and you have shown no consideration for us in your lengthy and uncaring post.
Yeah, it was written either by a lawyer or politician, or both.
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Old 26-12-2018, 02:48   #4049
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave_S View Post
I am apauled that you would write such a thing, some of us have reading difficulties and you have shown no consideration for us in your lengthy and uncaring post.
my apologies, I shall be sacking my legal advisers immediately......
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Old 26-12-2018, 10:18   #4050
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Caution engineering joke...

There once was a young engineer, who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set.

He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success.

He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, twice the normal speed.

The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it.

His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris.

It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.

Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not the vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
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