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Old 20-12-2018, 20:58   #4006
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Was having breakfast at the Cafe this morn' and George stops by.

He grabs a cup of coffee, sits at my table, then George, he says:

"Was down to the pub the other night. Got a bit blitzed. Fell off my bar stool. So I'm on the deck, wondering what happened. This big guy, you know, the bouncer? Comes up and says - Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
And I said - Why?
He says - Because you're drunk!
So I said - Well that's the purpose of a pub, isn't it?
Hardly fair! I've never been thrown out of a restaurant for being full!

(Pauses. Sips coffee. Then adds...)
Now here's a surprising fact: Pub bouncers have no sense of humor."



Well, that's George. What can I say?
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Old 20-12-2018, 21:32   #4007
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#MeanWhile in the Animal Kingdom

Fun Fact! Crocodiles are fascinating creatures. Did you know that a Croc is faster than a horse... Over the first 100 metres?

Don't know how many horses they used to find that out.
Can you imagine the test trials?
Run, baby, RUN!

Okay... that one made it 97 metres. Next!
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Old 20-12-2018, 23:06   #4008
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There's this comedian that came into the pub one eve.
Gets a drink. Starts talking.

Says "one of the advantages of being a comedian is I get to sleep late in the morning. Woke up today. turned on the Telly and I'm rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and got confronted by one of these televangelists! Guy was shouting, waving his hands and arms, and saying You may not know it but today YOU have already sinned! I thought... Hang on... I just woke up! What could I have done? Turned to my sister and she didn't know either."
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Old 20-12-2018, 23:55   #4009
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So now you've got a bit of free time on your hands and you might be wondering where to go on holiday. The answer is simple:



Occasional strong language that some might find offensive. Snowflakes.
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Old 21-12-2018, 11:38   #4010
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
So now you've got a bit of free time on your hands and you might be wondering where to go on holiday. The answer is simple:



Occasional strong language that some might find offensive. Snowflakes.
That was great
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Old 21-12-2018, 16:09   #4011
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I have to be offended in today's world because I am 1/4 Scottish (and 1/4 Irish) but, dang, I'm not.
Is it OK if I send it to my 1/2 Scottish friend?
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Old 21-12-2018, 17:41   #4012
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
I have to be offended in today's world because I am 1/4 Scottish (and 1/4 Irish) but, dang, I'm not.
Is it OK if I send it to my 1/2 Scottish friend?
I identify as being Scottish so it's cool. You can send it
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Old 21-12-2018, 19:23   #4013
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
I identify as being Scottish so it's cool. You can send it
I am Scottish and you sasanachs are a bunch of Fuken ars***L's!
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Old 21-12-2018, 19:40   #4014
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Okay! Okay! Calm down. Let's change the country, right? If Scotland isn't your cup of tea then how about Australia? When in Australia (as when in any country) it's important to try and understand local attitudes. The key might actually be an old Irish joke:

Irishman: We Irish have developed our own space program, we're gonna put a man on the Sun!

Englishman: Don't be absurd! You'd burn up before you got close!

Irish: Ah, we've got that fixed! We'll be going at night!



Now imagine the Irishman isn't stupid but is actually deliberately f***ing with the Englishman, and you have Australian humour...

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Old 21-12-2018, 19:51   #4015
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Scotland's greatest export? Billy Connolly.....

Or, as he is known there, Bulla Connallah.

Second greatest export: uisge beatha or aqua vitae (water of life)

Or, as it's known there, whuskah, or a wee dram.

I must have Scots ancestry - I love 'em both!
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Old 23-12-2018, 15:54   #4016
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tis the season. Sooooooo
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Old 23-12-2018, 15:55   #4017
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One more.
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Old 23-12-2018, 15:56   #4018
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And the one that I'm still laughing about...........
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Old 23-12-2018, 16:36   #4019
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Stolen from the archives....
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Old 23-12-2018, 21:26   #4020
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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