The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

#Meanwhile in Cyberspace...

Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two M&M's in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one M&M cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab another M&M, and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of M&M gladiators. I do this until I run out of M&M's, and when there is only one M&M left standing, I send a letter to M&M's brand with the champion M&M in it with a note attached that reads: "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."


{Strange, some of the things that float across my computer display.}

[Dave_S]

Shamelessly stolen

[socaldmax]

Speaking of M&Ms...

The following is a true story. I met a really nice couple named Mike and Kimmie Virgin. They also played in the desert and went by the board names "SandVirgin" and "Virginsand." When I asked them why they were always so happy and playful, Kimmie told me they were both big fans of M&Ms and she would always keep some in the fridge and she would toss them to Mike and he'd catch them in his mouth and they both really enjoyed this simple little game/snack.

One day I saw an ad stating that the Mars candy company would put a short saying on a few bags of M&Ms for a small extra fee, like custom made M&Ms. So I filled out the form and asked for one bag of M&Ms with "I like Virgins" on them and the other bag with "I'm a Virgin" on them.

Instead of getting what I asked for, I got an email telling me that they were not going to make those because it went against their family values and they felt there was something not quite wholesome about it. I wasn't happy about it and called the number included in the email. I got in touch with a lady who said she denied the request and she wasn't going to change her mind. I explained to her that they were my friends and were big M&M fans and these were to be a gift to them. She wouldn't budge, being a rigid bureaucratic nonthinking chair weight.

The next time I saw Mike and Kimmie, I told them I was unsuccessful in my quest to surprise them with custom M&Ms. A few months later, I saw them again, and they showed me their custom made M&Ms with "I'm a Virgin!" on them and I was flabbergasted! I asked them how they did it and they told me they also got rejected at first, but they called the same lady, she told them someone else had already tried that trick and it wasn't going to work. They insisted that was their last name and she asked for proof. They ended up sending her pics of their CA driver's licenses and she finally let them get their custom M&Ms.

Being a grudge carrier with a very good memory, I boycotted M&Ms for about 12 yrs, but quite by coincidence I bought a large tub of peanut M&Ms yesterday because they were really cheap by the tub and besides, 12 yrs is long enough to punish myself.

[socaldmax]

[double u]

Originally Posted by svmariane

#Meanwhile in Cyberspace...

Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two M&M's in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one M&M cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab another M&M, and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of M&M gladiators. I do this until I run out of M&M's, and when there is only one M&M left standing, I send a letter to M&M's brand with the champion M&M in it with a note attached that reads: "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."


{Strange, some of the things that float across my computer display.}

...when time is heavy on ones hand...

[LakeSuperior]

I started investing in stocks of Beef, Chicken, and Vegetables.


One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.


And...


My friend makes a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...


It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I am amazed at how many of my friends sent this to me...

None of mine.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[LakeSuperior]

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"


I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

[LakeSuperior]

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..


Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"


I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

This reminds me of when my wife and I lived in HI.

My wife would call me at 2:45pm every other Thursday afternoon. Wife:"Guess what?"
Me: "You just got off work, drove to the gas station, locked your keys in your car and now I have to get off work early, take the ferry from Ford Island and drive over and unlock the door for you so you can go shopping."
Wife: "How did you know that?"
Me: "Because I'm psychic."
Wife: "Get oooout! Come on!"
Me: *heavy sigh* "Just think about it."
Me, arriving at the gas station and waving at my perennially amused gas station cashier buddy busy laughing at my wife: "Well, did you figure it out yet?"
Wife: "Yeah, you're getting used to me locking my keys in my car on Thursdays..."
Me: "No, I want you to think about WHY you've locked your keys in the car for the last 2 yrs..."

[socaldmax]

This is a very minor, but very important distinction...

[fxykty]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

This reminds me of when my wife and I lived in HI.



My wife would call me at 2:45pm every other Thursday afternoon. Wife:"Guess what?"

Me: "You just got off work, drove to the gas station, locked your keys in your car and now I have to get off work early, take the ferry from Ford Island and drive over and unlock the door for you so you can go shopping."

Wife: "How did you know that?"

Me: "Because I'm psychic."

Wife: "Get oooout! Come on!"

Me: *heavy sigh* "Just think about it."

Me, arriving at the gas station and waving at my perennially amused gas station cashier buddy busy laughing at my wife: "Well, did you figure it out yet?"

Wife: "Yeah, you're getting used to me locking my keys in my car on Thursdays..."

Me: "No, I want you to think about WHY you've locked your keys in the car for the last 2 yrs..."

I was hoping somebody else would admit they don’t get it. Huh?!?