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Old 27-11-2018, 16:01   #3871
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Just some weird stuff from a typical Monday...

Someone stole half the soap from our office bathroom.

Liquid soap. From the bottle.

We have no leads. Apparently they made a clean getaway.
***

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who brush their teeth in the office bathroom, and those who are not deranged.
***

I’m in a Cold War with some stranger in my office bathroom over who can sit longest in a stall waiting for the other person to leave so they can finally chit. I loathe her, but dammit I respect her.
***

I’m the victim of an office bathroom power move. My guy used both air dryers to dry his hands while I just stood there like a wet handed fool.
***

Girls who talk on the phone while they pee.
In the office bathroom.
To someone who isn't their mother.
***

This one's too messy.
This one's too smelly.
This one's just... barely clean enough.

~Goldilocks in the office restroom.
***

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the men's room with an air horn.
And now, we wait...
***




What? It's not Monday but Tuesday!! Well, there ya'go........
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Old 28-11-2018, 05:52   #3872
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What's the most effective way to sail to Russia from Alaska?


A compass, and keeping your berings strait.
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Old 28-11-2018, 06:09   #3873
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Rowe vs. Wade decision was.

She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said, "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."
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Old 29-11-2018, 07:42   #3874
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man walks up to the counter at the airport holding a dead possum. The attendant asks “Sir, will you be checking that?”


The man replies “No, it’s carrion.”
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Old 29-11-2018, 11:38   #3875
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And for those who think blokes can't multi task...

https://www.wimp.com/brass-band-multitasker/

Incredible!

Jim
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Old 30-11-2018, 12:25   #3876
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was cruising in the middle of nowhere when a woman called on the radio asking if anyone had some bottled gas they could spare. She had just run out. I had more tanks than I needed and called back and we agreed to meet. I pulled up beside her boat and here was this really well endowed goddess on the other boat. She jiggled her wares and said that perhaps there was something that I wanted in trade. I couldn't believe my good fortune because she wanted to trade "tanks for the mammaries".
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Old 30-11-2018, 14:33   #3877
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I am amazed at how many of my friends sent this to me...

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Old 30-11-2018, 14:55   #3878
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
I am amazed at how many of my friends sent this to me...

Standard Israeli training....
It is an automatic thing for me.
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Old 30-11-2018, 15:21   #3879
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
I am amazed at how many of my friends sent this to me...

Well, remembering some of the bars I frequented when I was younger ...
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Old 01-12-2018, 23:09   #3880
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The 12 Days of Christmas

Day 1: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree. Such a thoughtful gift; she knows how much I love fruit. She also knows my building’s pretty strict about pets, so the bird threw me a little. But he is a cute little guy.

Day 2: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turtle doves. Wow, she’s really into the avian theme this year. Um, thank you? I guess I’ll just put them in the kitchen with the partridge and the pear tree, which suddenly seems a lot bigger than it did yesterday.

Days 3 & 4: On the third and fourth days of Christmas, she gave me three French hens and four calling birds. Funny, 
I don’t remember telling her my dream was to one day open a chapter of the Audubon 
Society. You know what would have been nice? Some birdseed. I’m out of saltines, and things are starting 
to get weird in here.

Day 5: On the fifth day of Christmas, she gave me five golden rings. See, now, that’s a nice gift. 
A nice, practical gift. 
A little on the feminine side, but I’ll take it.

Day 6: Six geese 
a-laying. Hmm, that’s so strange because 
I was just telling someone that I could use some MORE @#$%*& BIRDS. Do you have any idea how much poop six geese generate in a single day? Literally pounds. And 
in case you’re curious, all six of 
them have been a-laying since they got here. There are no fewer than 
75 enormous eggs in my apartment right now. I just tried to make an 
omelet out of one of them and 
almost ralphed. Very gamy.

Day 7: Guess what I signed for this morning when the UPS guy rang my doorbell. Seven swans a-swimming. True story. So … no more baths for me, I guess. Thanks for that. These are terrible gifts! Terrible, confusing gifts. Oh, and guess what swans don’t get along with. Geese, turtledoves, French hens, calling birds, and 
partridges. Glad you did your homework there.

Day 8: I’d like to give you the 
benefit of the doubt on this one in case you ordered these eight maids 
a-milking online and there was some confusion, but just to clarify, there are eight middle-aged women wearing bonnets in my apartment right now. And they each brought a cow. Do you understand what I’m saying to you? They’re all here, in my STUDIO apartment, and judging by the size of their suitcases, they aren’t 
leaving anytime soon.

Day 9: Big day today. Not only did 
I receive the unexpected gift of nine ladies dancing, I also got a nice little note from my landlord. He covered all kinds of stuff, but in a nutshell, it was about excessive dancing, illegal livestock, unnatural amounts of bird feces, and me not living here anymore. Big day.

Day 10: Ten lords a-bloody-leaping! Yes, they are. Ten leotarded jerks are literally jumping around my apartment screaming “Wheeeeee!” every time their feet leave the ground! WHY?? Why are you doing this to 
me? You’re sick! I loved you so much, and you destroyed it. You 
destroyed everything. Tensions in here are escalating faster than 
I could have imagined. The maids and dancers appear to have laid 
territorial claims in opposite corners of the apartment. They are not the same civilized ladies who arrived here a short time ago. They bear 
a darkness now. One of them stole my golden rings, and I know just the one who did it. I’m waiting until nightfall, and I will reclaim them … through any means necessary.

Days 11 & 12: These final days have come and gone in a bewildering fog. 
I remember drummers. Pipers. Lots of them. I haven’t slept or washed 
my body in quite some time. Food 
is scarce … the fighting, fierce. I captured a lord today! Snatched him right out of the air. Now he doesn’t leap anymore. I used his leotard as 
a net to trap one of the swans. She was delicious. Didn’t even cook the old gal. Ha! I made everyone gather to watch—that’s what you do when you want to send a message. A very important message! This is my castle! Do you all hear me? Do you see what I’ve done? What I am capable of?!! No more eye contact with the king; do you understand? Or I will end you! 
I will end you all right here and now!!

Now, one of you fetch me a pear. The king needs something sweet.
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Old 01-12-2018, 23:11   #3881
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Alternative 12 Days of Christmas
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Old 01-12-2018, 23:19   #3882
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For those of you too young to know (or too old to remember) here's the Original 12 Days of Christmas...


Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes



December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes



Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes



December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes



December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes



December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes



December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.

Sincerely, Agnes



December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .

Ag



December 22nd

Hey:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

From Ag



December 23rd

You Creep!

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it, Ag



December 24th

Listen Idiot:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister



December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

-Merry Christmas
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Old 01-12-2018, 23:25   #3883
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And another...


A bloke has to be quick around here....
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Old 02-12-2018, 12:28   #3884
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So the maids are milking cows? I had no idea!

There goes another happy childhood fantasy!
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Old 02-12-2018, 14:47   #3885
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post

So the maids are milking cows? I had no idea!

There goes another happy childhood fantasy!
That's the best Xmas laugh I've had in years! Thanks Max!
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