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Old 18-11-2018, 08:26   #3796
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Been watching women’s golf on the TV this morning...


They don’t appear to be very good at driving but they’re great with an iron.
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Old 18-11-2018, 08:27   #3797
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Re: The New Joke Thread

When you drink a lot of alcohol, you oversleep, don't remember important things, don't go to work, hallucinate and sometimes even forget that you have a girlfriend or that you're married...


But most importantly, don't forget that drinking also comes with negative effects.
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Old 18-11-2018, 14:51   #3798
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Cycling back to sailing: what do we do with a drunken sailor...
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Old 18-11-2018, 18:39   #3799
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ah, yes, "shave him in the belly with a rusty razor", and so on.....
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Old 19-11-2018, 07:51   #3800
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.


Just something to remember when you hire them.
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Old 19-11-2018, 08:07   #3801
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Today's Factoid


The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed
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Old 19-11-2018, 14:05   #3802
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Modern verse of "What shall we do...": Put him in charge of an Exxon tanker...

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Old 19-11-2018, 18:19   #3803
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Would...: Put him in charge of an Italian cruiseship...???


Too soon..???
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Old 20-11-2018, 02:08   #3804
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hey, wanna hear a joke about ghosts?
















That's the spirit
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Old 20-11-2018, 03:01   #3805
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A guy goes into a library and says: "Can I have a portion of fish and chips, please?"
The stern librarian replies: "This is a library!"
Guy: "Oh, sorry." (whispers), "Can I have a portion of fish and chips, please?"
Librarian: "This is a library. We don't SELL fish and chips!"
Guy: (still whispering) "Oh, right. Sorry. Can I borrow a portion of fish and chips, please?"
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Old 20-11-2018, 12:55   #3806
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Re: The New Joke Thread

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but, the two Heads of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says:
"Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure you understand
there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought . .
until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
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Old 20-11-2018, 16:27   #3807
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Are we really going back to that topic?

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Old 20-11-2018, 16:32   #3808
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yes no bashing the Queen!

Nor Elizabeth Alexandra Mary, please. . .
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Old 20-11-2018, 16:52   #3809
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Are there any compass adjusters among us?

Can the man's intellectual compass even BE adjusted :-0)??

TP
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Old 20-11-2018, 17:03   #3810
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Oh, the heck with it...

An man buys a sports car and is really beginning to enjoy it when he sees flashing lights in the rear view mirror. He guns it and is rapidly up to 160mph when he realizes what he is doing. He slows down, then pulls over and soon the cop pulls up behind him.

The cop comes up to the window and asks, “What were you thinking, taking off like that?”

“Well,” the man replies after thinking about it for a bit, “a few years ago a highway patrol officer ran off with my wife.”

“What does that have to do with anything.”

“I thought you were bringing her back.”
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