The New Joke Thread

[LakeSuperior]

What do you get when you take away a seal's electron?


A sealion

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Is this another version of the engineering joke...???

Let’s not forget about engineering hammers.

Usually used for fine adjustments or resetting computers.

[JohnT]

Originally Posted by dfelsent

Let’s not forget about engineering hammers. Attachment 180212

Usually used for fine adjustments or resetting computers.

No, no, no - that small engineering tool is for the fine adjustment of the latest iPhone ring tone. Certainly too light for a PC or laptop!

[SteveG58]

Did you know that in the Canary Islands there is not one Canary there. And in the Virgin Island? The same thing.....not one Canary there either.

[GrowleyMonster]

Maybe there should be another thread, for particularly sick or offensive jokes? But my approach would be to simply ignore someone whose posts I find particularly loathsome.

[SailRedemption]

Originally Posted by dfelsent

Let’s not forget about engineering hammers. Attachment 180212

Usually used for fine adjustments or resetting computers.

We, my wife and I, work in the oilfield. I'm a 2nd Mate, she's a chief engineer. Their moto is "Beat it to fit. Paint it to match." It's kind of a joke, but not really. [emoji16]

This reminded me of this, so I had to share.

[LakeSuperior]

Why do sailors always look toward a pulley?

It's because it is always the center of a tension.

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by SailRedemption

We, my wife and I, work in the oilfield. I'm a 2nd Mate, she's a chief engineer. Their moto is "Beat it to fit. Paint it to match." It's kind of a joke, but not really. [emoji16]

This reminded me of this, so I had to share.

As a kid I worked in the oil patch as a contract welder.
Our motto was measure it with a mic, mark it with chalk, beat to fit.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see my urologist for a prostate

exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have

either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients, all guys.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a

large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE

DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the guys in the waiting room snapped their heads around to

look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE

OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR

THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS ....!

[socaldmax]

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children .....

#1...A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked sarcastically, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

#2...A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


#3...A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


#4...One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


#5...The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


#6...A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet aren't empty.'


#7...The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.. God is watching the apples.'

[Eigenvector]

OK, riddle me this Batman...........


Escherian Stairwell

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[D&D]

2017-01-14-VIDEO-00000229.mp4