Cruisers Forum
 


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rating: Thread Rating: 5 votes, 4.80 average. Display Modes
Old 29-10-2018, 12:25   #3631
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,217
Re: The New Joke Thread

socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29-10-2018, 19:43   #3632
Registered User
 
Buzzman's Avatar

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New South Wales, Australia
Boat: Still building
Posts: 1,260
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Buzzman doesn't get this one either.
Hey!! I resemble that remark..!!!

But thanks L-S for the explanation. I knew it wasn't funny.

Buzzman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29-10-2018, 23:06   #3633
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,217
Re: The New Joke Thread

socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30-10-2018, 15:20   #3634
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,217
Re: The New Joke Thread

socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31-10-2018, 11:18   #3635
Registered User
 
Eigenvector's Avatar

Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Mostly Texas
Boat: Lagoon 37 TPI
Posts: 406
Re: The New Joke Thread

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
__________________
==========================
Don't Tell My Mom I Work In the Oilfield,
She Thinks
I'm a Piano Player in a Whorehouse.
Eigenvector is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31-10-2018, 15:24   #3636
D&D
Marine Service Provider
 
D&D's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Blue Mountains, Australia
Boat: now skippering Syd Harbour charters
Posts: 1,544
Re: The New Joke Thread

Senior chuckles...?

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
D&D is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31-10-2018, 20:19   #3637
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,832
Re: The New Joke Thread

Sir:

Regarding the post titled "Senior chuckles...?" I wish to to complain, and will point out that as a well respected gentleman on the upper side of 67 years I have noted a recent tendency of you whippersnappers to....





Where was I? Oh. Right. Where's my toast?
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
\_(ツ)_/
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2018, 00:45   #3638
Senior Cruiser
 
delmarrey's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Philippines
Boat: Its in French Polynesia now
Posts: 11,206
Images: 122
Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking of Seniors, my 88 yo brother sent me this. It really brings back those youthful events.

__________________
Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful! ........
The measure of a man is how he navigates to a proper shore in the mist of a storm!
delmarrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2018, 01:08   #3639
Registered User

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Nice, France
Boat: Hunter Marine 38
Posts: 933
Re: The New Joke Thread

5 letters
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	BCD69C95-6DF9-46CF-8E2D-C116B11A6B1C.jpeg
Views:	254
Size:	56.9 KB
ID:	179957  
sailormed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2018, 13:40   #3640
Moderator
 
Jim Cate's Avatar

Join Date: May 2008
Location: cruising SW Pacific
Boat: Jon Sayer 1-off 46 ft fract rig sloop strip plank in W Red Cedar
Posts: 16,730
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Speaking of Seniors, my 88 yo brother sent me this. It really brings back those youthful events.

?????? Something weird about the pic... sometimes completely out of focus... maybe just my computer?

Jim
__________________
Jim and Ann s/v Insatiable II lying Port Cygnet again, freezing our bums off.
Jim Cate is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2018, 15:04   #3641
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,217
Re: The New Joke Thread

socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2018, 15:15   #3642
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,217
Re: The New Joke Thread

When I was about 8 yrs old, I asked my mom if she knew Karate.

First she corrected my pronunciation of it, then said yes, she had a black belt. She said she also had a brown belt, and the next time I asked her stupid questions like that, she'd use whichever one was closest to beat some sense into my empty head. I asked her how beating me with a belt was going to put sense into my head.

Apparently, the brown belt was closer that day. Also, it did knock some sense into my head and over the years, I figured out a lot of stuff on my own without asking her stupid questions. Long before Google was ever invented.
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2018, 17:10   #3643
Senior Cruiser
 
delmarrey's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Philippines
Boat: Its in French Polynesia now
Posts: 11,206
Images: 122
Re: The New Joke Thread

Now google is the one being stupid, by changing information or restricting completely........ without the belts, now it's a wire.
__________________
Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful! ........
The measure of a man is how he navigates to a proper shore in the mist of a storm!
delmarrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2018, 17:55   #3644
Senior Cruiser
 
Dave_S's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Brisbane Australia
Boat: Schionning Waterline 1480
Posts: 1,362
Re: The New Joke Thread

How to.....
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	45268861_1985399818162786_6217350591325143040_n.jpg
Views:	202
Size:	30.9 KB
ID:	179997  
__________________
Regards
Dave
Dave_S is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2018, 18:50   #3645
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,217
Re: The New Joke Thread

I found this on my windshield this afternoon.

socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Advertise Here


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 21:08.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.