The New Joke Thread

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by john61ct

Wonderful stuff.

Same as Betadine.

Says "next time don't bother me with your minor wounds, save your tears for the serious injuries"

It is not iodine based. It didn't sting, and was offered to kids as as good as iodine (tincture of iodine) because the latter really DID sting. It may well have been before your time. When painted on, it looked the color of maraschino cherries. Some kids loved having it painted on their scratches; the "Monkey's Blood" made the wound look really inflamed.

[Souzag818]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

Some will understand...........and some won't.
Growing up in S. Texas this was know as "Monkey Blood" Not sure why.

My mom used Mercurochrome and Merthiolate when we were kids. One burned more than the other-don't remember which...

[senormechanico]

Not really a joke, and not even related to cruising.
It DOES however, show why people chuck it all to go cruising.
Go full screen for best experience. Watch the whole thing, it just gets better and better.

https://www.wimp.com/rush-hour-in-mumbai-india/

[john61ct]

Full contact sport.

Women smart enough to stay out if it.

[mako]

I lived in Mumbai for a year and don’t remember the traffic being that light [emoji846]

Funny thing about your comment - when I was living there I was also visiting shipyards trying to build a boat, just wanting to chuck it all

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by svmariane

[SIZE="4"][B][I]Breaking news!

New and Improved "Passenger Air Travel Safety Regulation(s)" as amended and applied to existing amended updates of the previously revised and/or pre-amended updates pursuant to US Code Title 49, Subtitle VII, Part A, Subpart iii, Chapter 449, Subchapter I, § 44903, (c)Security Programs. (1), et al.

[SIZE="3"]

What, not a single comment about that? Nobody cared about the dancing language? Nobody bothered to check and see that I quoted the actual US Code. chapter and verse and sub-paragraph to a "T" for the sake of reality? Heck.... So much for innovative comedy - might as well go back to George and the bar stories.

...
So George walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" George says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."


...
A guy walks into a bar .........ok, he did not walk in, he was already there. The guy asks George if he's married and George says yes. So the guy says to George "I slept with my wife before we were married. How about you?". George says, "I don't know; what was her maiden name?".

...
What do you call a Bohemian that gets thrown out of a bar? A bounced Czech.

...
An Irishman walks by a bar...it could happen.

...
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'

...

[Eigenvector]

Wait for it...........https://youtu.be/XFh-X1bv4P0

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

Wait for it...........https://youtu.be/XFh-X1bv4P0

That's the MSM for you. Classic illustration of "fake news".

[john61ct]

Just another fool doing what fools do.

Real examples of the original definition abound, but then we'd be getting too political

[Pelagic]

I had my DNA test last week and the results were quite encouraging!
I'm:
'Not Dyslexic Anymore'

[Eigenvector]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story, and
listened to her prayers which ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."

The next day the grandfather died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this:

“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma"

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moly," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other
side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up
at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all
day, and constantly watched the clock. He figured if he could get by
until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so
instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there drinking
coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle
of my lesson."

[Eigenvector]

Whaaaaaaaaaa...........

[Eigenvector]

Somewhere in Colorado

[Eigenvector]

and some more

[Eigenvector]

and more