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Old 05-09-2018, 15:42   #3331
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 05-09-2018, 18:31   #3332
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.
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Old 05-09-2018, 23:02   #3333
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Old 07-09-2018, 00:39   #3334
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but the fairy god mother kept saying no worrying that a minstrel or a jester would take advantage of poor Cinderella after all she wasn't the sharpest knife in the draw. But Cinderella was persistent and finally the fairy god mother gave in on two conditions. That she wore a diaphragm and left the ball by two am or the diaphragm would turn in to a pumpkin and cinderella would be in serious trouble. So agreeing to this off she went to the ball. Five am the next morning cinderella finally staggers home. And the fairy god mother not impressed say tell me cinderella what prince you have met whose magic is greater than mine. I can't really remember she says he got me pretty waisted I think he said his name was Peter Peter something something.
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Old 07-09-2018, 17:56   #3335
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Old 07-09-2018, 18:17   #3336
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Now that right there is funny.
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Old 07-09-2018, 19:37   #3337
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why? Share the joke...??
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Old 07-09-2018, 19:46   #3338
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You mean:
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Old 07-09-2018, 19:55   #3339
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Why? Share the joke...??

Some Cosby victims mentioned that he gave them Benadryl, an antihistamine that is known to cause drowsiness. Benadryl's primary ingredient is diphenhydramine that is present in OTC pain/sleep aids like Nyquil, Advil PM, Excedrin PM, Tylenol PM, etc. These products carry a specific warning to avoid alcohol as it is likely to promote extreme drowsiness.
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Old 07-09-2018, 20:12   #3340
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Oh, OK, that makes sense. In Oz we just steal the kid's Rohypnol.....
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Old 07-09-2018, 20:13   #3341
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Old 07-09-2018, 20:18   #3342
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Forget Nikes ... I want a 'dollar tree' ...!!!!
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Old 07-09-2018, 20:28   #3343
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Forget Nikes ... I want a 'dollar tree' ...!!!!

So do I! LOL

Dollar Tree in the US is a store that sells everything for a dollar, like 99 Cent Store and Dollar Store.
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Old 07-09-2018, 21:38   #3344
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ahh, I see. Here in Oz we're way 'upmarket' - we have "$2 Shops"

One dollar doesn't buy anything much these days - even a coffee is $3.50!

Please note: 'coffee' in 'Australian' = cappuccino

We don't drink that over-brewed muck you Americans call 'coffee'.

Bleaachhh!!!

LOL
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Old 07-09-2018, 22:30   #3345
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Please note: 'coffee' in 'Australian' = cappuccino

We don't drink that over-brewed muck you Americans call 'coffee'.

Bleaachhh!!!

LOL
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