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Old 02-09-2018, 14:06   #3316
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 02-09-2018, 14:07   #3317
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Old 02-09-2018, 15:27   #3318
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Wife's Diary:

Tonight , I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later , he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A one-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a one-foot putt?
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:48   #3319
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:48   #3320
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:49   #3321
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:49   #3322
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:52   #3323
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:55   #3324
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Old 03-09-2018, 18:24   #3325
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.


The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.


After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.


He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!”
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Old 04-09-2018, 09:40   #3326
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The winning kiss
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Old 05-09-2018, 10:40   #3327
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Old 05-09-2018, 11:20   #3328
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post


Thanks
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Old 05-09-2018, 11:23   #3329
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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You’ve given away my secret destination, now everybody and their cousin will be flocking here and it will no longer be the quiet idyllic getaway I’ve enjoyed up until now.
THANKS, hope you’re happy with yourself.
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Old 05-09-2018, 12:53   #3330
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him,
grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
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