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Old 22-04-2018, 10:01   #2896
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Island Time O25 View Post
A guy has MD visit due to ER issues.
-Doc, please I need something asap as my wife will not tolerate lack of sex for much longer.
Doctor prescribes him a healthy dose of viagra and sends him on his way.
Few days later the patient comes back saying it did not do the trick.
The doctor gives him a more potent version but few days later same thing.
This time the doctor looks up the latest medical literature and pulls out a sample - one pill.
-Here, take this, most powerful ER pill known to mankind, still in experimetal phase. However, a word of caution - you must, I repeat MUST have coitus with your wife within 1 hour of taking it, not a second later. If you dont you will experience most horrible pain in your groin for days, may be weeks.
The guy cant wait to get home, pops the pill right outside the doctors office.
Gets home and to his horror sees a note on the fridge -"honey Im at the cinema". He runs out, rushes to the theater plex, starts going through all the screens, etc. No luck. An hour later excrutiating pain sets in, just as the doctor warned.
Next day at the doctors office he describes the sequence of events.
Doc: - Well couldn't you improvise? Visit a female neighbor of yours for example.
Patient: - But doc, I dont need a pill with the neighbor!
-
This must be a true story!
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Old 29-04-2018, 14:58   #2897
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and
tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I
go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say Boss
and I feel Great now. I be at wok soon........You got nice house
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Old 29-04-2018, 15:27   #2898
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The boss's wife probably feels a lot better, too.
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Old 05-05-2018, 21:04   #2899
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An Italian , a German and an Englishman were caught in a jungle by a bunch of primitives during the War.

The chieftain said to them you have 2 choices:
One, we are going to perform a Bongo bongo on you! Or
Two , We just going to kill you!

The Italian said I rather live let’s do Bongo Bongo.
Two hours later the natives threw him back to the cell. He was a mess, and said “ I made a mistake I was made a sex toy for the whole tribe. Death would have been a better choice.” He started crying.

The British said “ if he can do it and survived I can handle it better I Am British let’s go Bongo Bongo.”

Three hours later he was also in a bloody mess and said that he made a biggest mistake of his life and regretted it.

The German said “ hahaha you are all cowards , you have no pride , no dignity , not real men, I'd rather die than give my body like that to these savages. “ He then said to the chieftain bravely “ I rather die you bunch of animals !”

The chieftain said calmly “ Death by Bongo Bongo!”
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Old 07-05-2018, 18:33   #2900
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Things to ponder...........
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Old 09-05-2018, 08:36   #2901
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.
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Old 09-05-2018, 08:57   #2902
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yes, yes it is!
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Old 09-05-2018, 14:19   #2903
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why do the English drink warm beer?

Lucas made the refrigerators, too.
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Old 09-05-2018, 14:28   #2904
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Lucas, Prince of Darkness
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Old 09-05-2018, 15:31   #2905
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 09-05-2018, 15:32   #2906
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 09-05-2018, 15:35   #2907
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 09-05-2018, 16:42   #2908
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eigenvector View Post
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.
Now I know how to replace the smoke that escapes every time I work on my car's electricals!!

ROTFLMAO
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Old 13-05-2018, 17:57   #2909
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed, and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,




The Flu

P.S. Now, stop thinking about sex, all you senior citizens, and go get your flu shot!
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Old 14-05-2018, 07:23   #2910
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.


Suzie stood and walked to the podium…

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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