9 Things a Sailor Will Always Beat You At
You seem to be doing alright at this little thing we like to call life. Youíre well-travelled. You have well-informed (you like to believe) opinions on your local MP and an array of enviable life hacks you picked up while backpacking across South East Asia
. You can open a wine bottle with you feet and cut a skirt in half using your little finger. Your family
thinks youíre great because you can make Thai food
from scratch without even thinking. However, thereís always someone out there thatís better than you. Like sailors. Youíll never be as good as a sailor.
Here are nine everyday things theyíd beat you at and then leave you on the floor wondering exactly what happened.
1. Parallel parking
I know, I know. Youíre one of the best parallel parkers in the world. You are surprised that they havenít created a reward especially for you. The words three-point turn donít even exist in your vocabulary. Sorry, but really youíre an amateur. Try reversing a fire engine
(without rearview mirrors) into a car wash, on ground flooded with water
, during the worst thunderstorm imaginable. Thatís what sailors do. They call it docking
2. Walking Straight When Drunk
Your supposed poker face is an utter joke. We all know how many shandies youíve had as soon as you see-saw to the toilet. Unfortunately, legs donít lie, unless youíre a sailor. A life on the water
rewards sailors with a liquescent centre of gravity. The more fluid they consume, the straighter they walk. Come to think of it, if you see a sailor off-kilter you should probably buy him a double.
3. Keeping a Straight Face
Sailing terminology is an ocean awash with metaphors, puns and double entendres. You canít think of a boating
pun that hasnít been done to death. Sniggering at words and phrases like Ďbreastlines; cockpit
; coming about; and, in need of a tugí is the sphere of land lovers. Find someone who can, without flinching, present a Seaman Discharge Book (yes, thatís a real thing) to a customs
official and youíve found yourself a sailor.
4. Giving Directions
ĎSo, hmmm...turn right by the tree and then pass the school
on your left. Well, I think itís a school
. Maybe itís a police station.. A few streets behind that is a road. I canít remember what itís called but just call me when youíre outside.í These are certainly not directions. If people were able to give better directions, thereíd be a much smaller hole in the ozone layer. Sailors know this. They also know that on the ocean vague directions can lead to death. Or worse, Skegness.
5. Dressing Appropriately
Even the best weather
apps resort to some measure of horoscopic superstition and the problem is nobody has built one made up of actual human bones. Sailors have bones. They have bones that tingle, crack, wobble and creak. Sailors can sense inclement weather
in their bones before the weather even realises itís feeling inclement. If you are wondering what to wear for the day, find a sailor and copy what theyíre wearing.
Donít even think about telling porkies. After watching 50 Shades of Grey, the reason youíve never actually tried bondage isnít because itís taboo. Itís because youíre unable to tie knots. Securing your beau to a bedpost isnít really the same as tying a shoelace. There are safety
issues that you need to be aware of, unless that is you fancy an embarrassing trip to the local hospital. An unfortunate combination of poor ropemanship and a slippery surface can turn into an emergency
very quickly and nobody wants to be gnawing on a granny knot
when the plod arrive. You know who knows a thing or two about knots? Sailors. They could string up a sumo wrestler with a piece of string. And, more importantly, untie him afterwards.
7. Pulling an All-Nighter
It was the pillar of your secondary school education, but somewhere along the line the insouciance of burning the candle at both ends morphed into chronic anxiety. The only thing that burns in your house after midnight now is the office block youíre burning down in your dreams. Caffeine is impotent and even dubstep (a supposed form of music) sends you to sleep. However, sailors are driven by something stronger than caffeine and panic combined: the fear of the great unknown. The ocean is a capricious mistress and much like the writers of many TV series, sailors donít always know whatís going to happen next. Theyíre prepared for every eventuality and what does that require? Being awake. ALL THE TIME.
8. Letting Things Go
Usually when something disappears into the vast ocean itís gone forever. The only thing to do is try and put it out of your mind and forget about it and move on while mumbling something profound like ĎItís part of the circle of life.í At sea if you donít learn to let things go, you drown in your own unrelenting suffering. Sailors would actually make great psychologists.
Sailors donít know what democracy is. On a boat
is always right. Even when heís not. Only joking! Sort of.