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Old 18-03-2018, 11:04   #2866
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Meant to post this on St. Patti's Day.

Irishman's First Drink With His Son

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so I tried a Tullamore Dew. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it?

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so freakin' ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!
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Old 21-03-2018, 10:45   #2867
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity
+1. This one made me smile.
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Old 22-03-2018, 04:57   #2868
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What if Thor become Gold Thor?

He would become an Author.
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Old 22-03-2018, 08:16   #2869
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
What if Thor become Gold Thor?

He would become an Author.
Oh, that's precious..........😉
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Old 22-03-2018, 16:55   #2870
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
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What if Thor become Gold Thor?

He would become an Author.
I like jokes I have to think about for a couple of seconds before I get them.
Made me think of the 1964 presidential campaign bumper stickers.
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Old 22-03-2018, 16:57   #2871
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Oh, that's precious..........😉
Took a second reading to get that one as well.
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Old 26-03-2018, 05:36   #2872
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.
She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad

That fly didn’t stand a chance.
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Old 26-03-2018, 14:35   #2873
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
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Old 26-03-2018, 14:59   #2874
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Re: The New Joke Thread

...do you guys know what a shih Tzu is...?
...nah...it's not a dog,it's a zoo with no animals...
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Old 30-03-2018, 08:20   #2875
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Re: The New Joke Thread

On a first date last night at the restaurant my date asked, ‘So, what do you do?’

Frowning, I held up the menu and said ‘you just choose something from this book of food’
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Old 30-03-2018, 16:23   #2876
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Sorry...don't get it?
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Old 30-03-2018, 16:53   #2877
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Sorry...don't get it?
Reading it as a guy who takes the question as a woman who has no idea what a restaurant is, or what the steps are in getting food at one.

Related story: A few years ago, my dad had to ride with my mom somewhere (they've been divorced for years at this point) and she went through the drivethru at a Wendy's or something. As she told me later, when they pulled up to the window, he said "I've never used a drive-through, what do I do?". One of those stories that I would normally dismiss and go "oh no way.." but with that little bit in the back of my head going "Well... maybe?"
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Old 30-03-2018, 18:37   #2878
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ok...being Easter, I thought it might be something Biblical
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Old 30-03-2018, 19:00   #2879
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaker is either

A. on the spectrum
B. not a native English speaker, or
C. attempting to show his date he has a sense of humour
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Old 30-03-2018, 20:47   #2880
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
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Sorry...don't get it?
She was asking him what he did for a living. He thought she needed help on how to use a menu.
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