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Old 31-07-2017, 17:55   #2491
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Alternative option: Serve your country honorably for 20-25 years, live within your means, and retire at a relatively young age. And hope your body is still in good enough condition to enjoy retirement.
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Old 31-07-2017, 18:25   #2492
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The New Joke Thread

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Alternative option: Serve your country honorably for 20-25 years, live within your means, and retire at a relatively young age. And hope your body is still in good enough condition to enjoy retirement.


Maybe takes two retirements to do that, cause you retire on half of base pay, which is about half your pay, so you retire on about 25%, then as there is no inflation your pay is stagnant too, and the free Medical? Isn't, it comes out of the Retirement although I believe it is a screaming good deal. Want your Wife to get any of that retirement if you die? That comes out too and that isn't cheap, I didn't take it cause it would have taken a huge chunk of my pay.
What you are left with is not as much as you thought, but I'll take it.

I used to joke that you could retire from military service at 20, as long as your willing to live in a shack by a lake and fish for food.
However depending on your military skill, often your set up for a good civilian job working for the military as a contractor or better yet if you can land a Civil Service job, then you really are set.
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Old 31-07-2017, 20:43   #2493
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Jokes please not a discussion of military retirement pay.
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Old 31-07-2017, 21:00   #2494
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Jokes please not a discussion of military retirement pay.


Why not? It can be a joke too
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Old 31-07-2017, 22:10   #2495
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Why not? It can be a joke too
Kinda my point.
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Old 31-07-2017, 23:04   #2496
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Re: The New Joke Thread

OK, so technically not a joke ... but we're all laughin' over here....

Step 1. Be born *Australian*

Continue with steps 3-4 as above.

Step 5. Thanks to our compulsory retirement superannuation savings scheme, which you have sensibly topped up throughout your working life, retire at 55 and go sailing.

Step 6. Enjoy the experience knowing that if you get sick or need medical help, our **free** health, doctors, specialists and hospital system is at your disposal.


From where we sit, the US medical "system" is a complete rip-off, an utter farce and therefore a complete joke.
Neither side of govt seems to get the point. Federally fund it. Make it free to all.
Works for us. And the Canadians. And the Brits. And the Kiwis.

And no, really, I'm not laughing......

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Old 01-08-2017, 02:02   #2497
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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OK, so technically not a joke ... but we're all laughin' over here....

Step 1. Be born *Australian*

Continue with steps 3-4 as above.

Step 5. Thanks to our compulsory retirement superannuation savings scheme, which you have sensibly topped up throughout your working life, retire at 55 and go sailing.

Step 6. Enjoy the experience knowing that if you get sick or need medical help, our **free** health, doctors, specialists and hospital system is at your disposal.


From where we sit, the US medical "system" is a complete rip-off, an utter farce and therefore a complete joke.
Neither side of govt seems to get the point. Federally fund it. Make it free to all.
Works for us. And the Canadians. And the Brits. And the Kiwis.

And no, really, I'm not laughing......

I like the whole approach except Step #1 is over the top.
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Old 01-08-2017, 02:34   #2498
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I like the whole approach except Step #1 is over the top.
Paul, there is a retrofit approach: become naturalized!

Unfortunately, they don't seem to want us old farts to go that route, but if younger and not too warty, there are ways..

It also helps if you can rassle crocs, handle venomous snakes with aplomb and not fear large sharks and small jellies..

Now please, back to jokes...

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Old 01-08-2017, 02:35   #2499
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I like the whole approach except Step #1 is over the top.

OK.... go to NZ.... spend 10 years 'in country' before 65 and get NZ$900.20 a fortnight - not means tested- for life!

But ...leave the country for more than 90 days at a stretch and goodbye pension... HAHA... jokes on you ... no more cruising lifestyle...
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Old 01-08-2017, 03:12   #2500
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Re: The New Joke Thread

OK, on the subject of retirement:

One weekend Joe was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance, Rolly. They loaded up Rolly's truck and headed into the mountains. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard as they approached the foothills.

They pulled into a nearby farm. An attractive retired woman answered the door. Joe and Rolly asked if they could spend the night.

"I know that it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm know that the neighbors will talk and tell the world if I let the two of you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Joe replied. "The two of us will be happy to sleep in the barn. Once the weather breaks, we will be out of here immediately headed for the mountains." The woman agreed, and Joe and Rolly settled in for the night.

Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. Joe and Rolly left without saying goodbye. They made it safely to the mountains and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

Nine months later, Joe got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that Rolly and he had met on the ski weekend

He dropped in on Rolly at the coffee bar and asked, "Rolly, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Of course, I do." retorted Rolly.

"I am just curious," stated Joe. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, while I was fast asleep, and go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yeah, I confess" Rolly sheepishly replied, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name," continued Joe with his questioning, "instead of telling her your real name?"

Rolly's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, old buddy. I'm afraid I did. By the way, what brought this up? In other words, why do you ask?"

"She just died," declared Joe, "and left me everything in her will."
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Old 01-08-2017, 12:05   #2501
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Re: The New Joke Thread

20 years would not really suit me. I have already worked 40 years but was looking for say a 10 day opportunity...............
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Old 01-08-2017, 18:36   #2502
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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It also helps if you can rassle crocs, handle venomous snakes with aplomb and not fear large sharks and small jellies..
...and don't forget the spiders!! We have Red Back Spiders (like the Black Widow) and the sneaky Funnel Web Spiders, that spring out and attack your ankles.

And then there's the Stingrays (think Steve Irwin...); bad-tempered buffalo in the NT; cranky-mean wild camels in Central Australia (not usually a problem for sailors); but always wear shoes near shore-side rocks to avoid being stung by the deadly Blue-Ringed Octopus.

And the 'small jellies' are jellyfish, like the Bluebottle (aka Portugese Man of War - think stinging nettles on steroids, enough to stop a weak heart) and the even smaller but more deadly 'stinger', the Irukanji, about the size of the tip of your index finger, capable of delivering a sting 100 times as potent as that of a cobra and 1,000 times stronger than a tarantula.
They can cause fatal haemorraging and regularly 50-100 people get hospitalised every year.

Believe, me, even a bluebottle sting is no joke...!!

Ask me how I know......

PS: THe old wives remedies of vinegar is no good. Vinegar is about as effective as sea water, but believe it or not, urine is better because it's warm. Dousing with warm to hot water has been clinically proven to actually reduce the effect of the sting. Go figure.
So peeing on a sting can help!
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Old 01-08-2017, 18:47   #2503
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
...and don't forget the spiders!! We have Red Back Spiders (like the Black Widow) and the sneaky Funnel Web Spiders, that spring out and attack your ankles.

And then there's the Stingrays (think Steve Irwin...); bad-tempered buffalo in the NT; cranky-mean wild camels in Central Australia (not usually a problem for sailors); but always wear shoes near shore-side rocks to avoid being stung by the deadly Blue-Ringed Octopus.

And the 'small jellies' are jellyfish, like the Bluebottle (aka Portugese Man of War - think stinging nettles on steroids, enough to stop a weak heart) and the even smaller but more deadly 'stinger', the Irukanji, about the size of the tip of your index finger, capable of delivering a sting 100 times as potent as that of a cobra and 1,000 times stronger than a tarantula.
They can cause fatal haemorraging and regularly 50-100 people get hospitalised every year.

Believe, me, even a bluebottle sting is no joke...!!

Ask me how I know......

PS: THe old wives remedies of vinegar is no good. Vinegar is about as effective as sea water, but believe it or not, urine is better because it's warm. Dousing with warm to hot water has been clinically proven to actually reduce the effect of the sting. Go figure.
So peeing on a sting can help!
These announcements bought to you by the Australian Tourism Commission.

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Old 01-08-2017, 18:49   #2504
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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but always wear shoes near shore-side rocks to avoid being stung by the deadly Blue-Ringed Octopus.
..
Shoes? Steel toed work boots maybe.... lest you tread on a Stone Fish or lose a toe to a Toe Toad Fish https://www.whitsundaytimes.com.au/n...dfish/2313409/

Re the blue ringed occy... watch where you put your hands around rocks or near submerged wharf timbers....
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Old 01-08-2017, 18:49   #2505
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I get a commission...????

Cool!!
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