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Old 13-07-2017, 07:25   #2446
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Back to the jokes...
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Old 13-07-2017, 07:27   #2447
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Back to the jokes...
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Old 13-07-2017, 07:39   #2448
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Here are some for the slower crowd...

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.






What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!




What's stucco?
What happens when you step in bubblegummo.





She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.






A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.





What's the Internet's favorite animal?
The lynx.





In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."
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Old 14-07-2017, 15:07   #2449
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Old 14-07-2017, 15:36   #2450
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Re: The New Joke Thread

[ATTACH]151915
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Old 14-07-2017, 16:22   #2451
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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[ATTACH]151915
LoL....reminds me of my early towing days in Vancouver when I used to tow a flat barge with a 200 ton water tank">fresh water tank and pump to service the ships anchored in English Bay
Tie up near their stern and start pumping for about 3 hours

On a Greek Crewed ship the Engineer set us up and then after about 1/2 hour he thought it would be funny to entertain his crew mates by pumping out their black water on top of barge. (They were all watching)

The smell wafted into the tug and after my initial shock and yelling at the laughing crew, I took a pike pole, climbed up on tank and knocked off the inspection hatches of the tanks, so their discharge went into the tank while I was still pumping.

It was their turn to start yelling!
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Old 14-07-2017, 17:36   #2452
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Heh.
Quick thinking there P.

Awesome.
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Old 14-07-2017, 17:45   #2453
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post


She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

She was only a telegrapher's daughter, but she did-it, did-it, did-it.
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Old 14-07-2017, 18:46   #2454
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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She was only a telegrapher's daughter, but she did-it, did-it, did-it.
Then she "got with child" and didn't know which da-da did-it.
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Old 15-07-2017, 13:28   #2455
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My granddaughter tries to keep her "pops" up to speed.
Latest internet lesson:

selfie - photo taken of yourself by yourself

belfie - a butt selfie

dronie - photo or video taken by drone

felfie - agricultural self-portraits of affectionate farm animals

helfie - a selfie, but focused more prominently on your hair

beardie - a selfie, but focused more prominently on your beard

selfeye - a selfie showing off one's eye makeup

shelfie - images of objects arrayed on a shelf or the equivalent

ussie - two or more people in a selfie

welfie - series depicting some persons athletic body

Alternative: welfie - a pejorative term for someone on welfare/the dole

youie - a photo of another person because the old term was, well, old.

Usage? Methinks something like "Hey! Let me catch a youie!"


Imagine.... You might have been sailing right now instead of reading that.
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Old 15-07-2017, 13:40   #2456
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
LoL....reminds me of my early towing days in Vancouver when I used to tow a flat barge with a 200 ton fresh water tank and pump to service the ships anchored in English Bay
Tie up near their stern and start pumping for about 3 hours

On a Greek Crewed ship the Engineer set us up and then after about 1/2 hour he thought it would be funny to entertain his crew mates by pumping out their black water on top of barge. (They were all watching)

The smell wafted into the tug and after my initial shock and yelling at the laughing crew, I took a pike pole, climbed up on tank and knocked off the inspection hatches of the tanks, so their discharge went into the tank while I was still pumping.

It was their turn to start yelling!
Instant revenge!

But... Followed by how much time/effort/money to purify your tank(s) for the next customer at anchor?
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Old 15-07-2017, 13:56   #2457
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Instant revenge!

But... Followed by how much time/effort/money to purify your tank(s) for the next customer at anchor?
Actually the ship refused to pay for the water. We countered that they had to pay for the steam cleaning of the diesel pumps, tank barge and hoses or we would alert the Port Authority and Harbour police.
Their Agent convinced them to pay for everything and apologize in case this was picked up by the media.

So the water barge owner got a nice bonus for his efforts and the Greeks made their coffee even stronger for a while.
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Old 15-07-2017, 14:00   #2458
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Good! ^
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Old 15-07-2017, 15:45   #2459
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Now George, he's a mit particular when travelling. And t'other eve at the pub George, he was a'talking 'bout his last business trip. So as he tells it he...


...specifically asked the airline for a window seat. When the time came to check in, however, he was given an aisle seat. All his complaints met with, "Sorry sir, there's nothing we can do."

During the entire trip, he fidgeted, squirmed and belly-ached. When the plane landed he went straight to customer service.

I specifically asked for a window seat! I got hit by the drink cart. There was a man snoring across the aisle. A child spilled juice on me. It was miserable! Now I specifically asked for a window seat when I purchased the ticket and your airline told me I would get one. But see! Look at my boarding pass. Aisle seat.

"I'm very sorry, sir. Did you by any chance try to trade seats with the person in the seat next to you?"

"That was impossible!"

"Why, sir?"

"Because there was no one in the seat next to me!"
***

After hotel check in, George went out & about for a beer and found a money clip with $700 in it. He goes to the police station and reads a notice saying that a somebody lost a money clip and is offering a $100 reward for it. So he talks with the desk sergeant and hands over the clip.

Phone calls, time, and then the guy who reported a missing money clip shows up for a meet with George and the desk sergeant. Guy counts the money and says, "I see you already took your reward."

George answers, "What?"

"This clip had $800 in it when I lost it."

They begin arguing, and eventually the desk sergeant intervenes.

Both state their case. The guy concludes by saying, "Sergeant, I trust you believe me."

The sergeant says, "Of course," and the guy smiles. George is crushed.

But then the sergeant hands the money clip with $700 to George!

"What are you doing?!" yells the guy.

The desk sergeant answers: "You are, of course, an honest man, and you say the clip you lost had $800 in it. Therefore I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this clip is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this clip must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Until then, it belongs to the man who found it."

"What about my money?" the guy demands.

"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a clip with $800 in it..."
***

Now I'm sure there was more, but I need to refill my beer mug whilst I recollect that evenings chatter. Standby...
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Old 15-07-2017, 15:54   #2460
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Overheard in the pub...

... So she hurried into the pharmacy, got the medicine, and hustled back to the car. Only then did she realize she'd locked her keys inside. "Oh no!"

Not giving up, she looked around for a tool. "Aha!" She spotted a rusty coat hanger. She tried to open the door. Failed. "I don't know how to do this. God, please, please, please send help!"

A moment later, a scraggly biker pulled up.

"Lady, you need a hand?"

"Yes! My daughter is sick. I have the medicine, but I locked my keys in the car. Can you open it with this hanger?"

"Sure." Nine seconds later, the car was open.

"Thank You, God, for sending such a nice man!"

"Lady, I'm not a nice man. I got out of prison yesterday. I did three years for car theft."

She gave the man a hug.

"And thank You, God, for sending a professional!"

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