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Old 05-07-2017, 14:57   #2416
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Re: The New Joke Thread

yes +1 and a great groaner to boot

no Steve, I did NOT say boner 8-)

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cholulas hot sauce
Found it nearby, will check it out, tx

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Wait! Where's the vodka?
I didn't mention ice nor tomato juice either (actually with V-8 is best!)

Silly to use a branded vodka in a BM.

And Virgin Mary's are just as good, even better for those sober among us
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Old 05-07-2017, 15:11   #2417
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Well if your taste runs to groaners...


1. What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

2. Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

3. How do fish get high?

Seaweed.

4. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Everything’s fine. He woke up.

5. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

6. Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert.

Because they’re always stuffed.

7. What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

8. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

9. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

10. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!
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Old 06-07-2017, 15:30   #2418
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So after "The Pie Rates of the Caribbean" some of of us got to talking on the back channels {that is: down at the pub} and trust 'Ol George to chime in...

Them what can, do...
Them what can't, preach.

Them what can, do...
Them what cant are biased.

Them what can, do...
Them what can't can ain't got sufficient food for the winter.

Them what can can, do....
Them what can't can can can't get a job at Moulin Rouge.



<sigh> I need a life.....
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Old 06-07-2017, 15:50   #2419
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I've got one!
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Old 06-07-2017, 15:54   #2420
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I've got one!
Hand it over, kid....
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Old 06-07-2017, 16:10   #2421
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You can have it when I'm done!

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Old 06-07-2017, 16:19   #2422
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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You can have it when I'm done!

Rats. Foiled again.
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Old 06-07-2017, 20:46   #2423
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Re: The New Joke Thread

More for the masses...


11. Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg?

He’s all right now.

12. What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

13. What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass.

14. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because he had a great fall.

15. People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”

I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

16. I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger…

And then it hit me.

17. I went to the bank the other day and asked the teller to check my balance.

The bitch pushed me, but I couldn’t really blame her.

18. What do computers snack on?

Microchips.

19. How come oysters never donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

20. What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You’re too young to smoke.
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Old 09-07-2017, 12:44   #2424
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So we were down at the pub and got to talking - and the following are self-deprecatory * jokes related from within the Jewish community. Now, understand, my father was born in Russia and emigrated (following the turbulence of 1917) to what is now the Czech Republic where I spent my radicalized childhood. This really IS an international forum.
***

A young housewife living in the town of Chełm had a very strange occurrence. One morning, after buttering a piece of bread she accidentally dropped it on the floor. To her amazement, it fell buttered side up.

As everyone knows, whenever a buttered piece of bread is dropped on the floor it always falls buttered side down; this is like a law of physics. But on this occasion it had fallen buttered side up, and this was a great mystery which had to be solved. So all the Rabbis and elders and wise men of Chełm were summoned together and they spent three days in the synagogue fasting and praying and debating this marvelous event among themselves.

After those three days they returned to the young housewife with this answer: "Madam, the problem is that you have buttered the wrong side of the bread."
***

The sexton of the synagogue decided to install a poor box so that the fortunate might share their wealth with the needy. On shabbes eve, he announced to the congregation that a new opportunity for mitzvoh was available.

"But," one member complained, "it will be so easy for the goneffs (thieves) to steal from the box." The sexton thought long and hard that night, and announced the next day that he had found a solution. Pointing upward, he showed, the poor box was now suspended from a chain at the ceiling, high, high, high overhead.

"But now how do we put money in the box?" Was the query asked.

The next week, the congregation saw the wonderful solution. A lovely circular stairway now ascended to the poor box making it easy to contribute.
***

After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi, "I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."

"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."

"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.

"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.
***

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed.

On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup a miraculous shot.

The angel was horrified. "A hole in one!" he exclaimed, "You call this a punishment, Lord?!"

Answered God with a sly smile, "So who can he tell?"
***

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? "Pardon me ladies, but is ANYTHING all right?"
**

A Catholic priest, a Reverend, and a Rabbi are discussing when life starts.

The Priest says: "Life begins at conception."

The Reverend says: "Life begins at birth."

The Rabbi says: "Life begins when the kids leave home"."
***




* Define self-deprecation... here: Let Me Google That for you.
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Old 09-07-2017, 13:10   #2425
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Re: The New Joke Thread

**

A Catholic priest, a Reverend, and a Rabbi are discussing when life starts.

The Priest says: "Life begins at conception."

The Reverend says: "Life begins at birth."

The Rabbi says: "Life begins when the kids leave home"."
***

Actually, the Rabbi said "Life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies."
****

A Minister, a Priest and a Rabbi were shooting craps when the police raided the place and they were all arrested. Hauled before the Judge they were questioned. "Well" said the Judge, "I see we have 3 men of the cloth before me on gambling charges. Gentleman, you are all trust worthy so simply answer one question... Were you or were you not gambling?" Reverend Thomas stepped forward and said "No, your Honor, I was not gambling." "Case dismissed" said the Judge. "How about you Father Murphy?" "I wasn't gambling either" he replied. "Case dismissed." "Now, Rabbi Schwartz, were you or were you not gambling?" "With who?" the Rabbi responded.




* Define self-deprecation... here: Let Me Google That for you.[/QUOTE]
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Old 10-07-2017, 22:54   #2426
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.






2. Most people, after reading #1 will try it.





3. And discover #1 is a lie.





4. You are smiling now because you feel stupid.

5. You soon will forward this to another innocent soul .

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

I sincerely apologize about this but I got caught off guard and I needed company feeling stupid. 🙄
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Old 11-07-2017, 03:32   #2427
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.
🙄
That is a cunning trick, but those of us with a giving personality in bed, automatically knew it to be false
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Old 11-07-2017, 03:50   #2428
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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That is a cunning trick, but those of us with a giving personality in bed, automatically knew it to be false
Literally ROFL!
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Old 11-07-2017, 04:27   #2429
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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That is a cunning trick, but those of us with a giving personality in bed, automatically knew it to be false
Now that was FUNNY!!
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Old 11-07-2017, 06:41   #2430
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It's extremely easy if you're lying on your back.
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