So we were down at the pub and got to talking - and the following are self-deprecatory * jokes related from within the Jewish community. Now, understand, my father was born in Russia and emigrated (following the turbulence of 1917) to what is now the Czech Republic where I spent my radicalized childhood. This really IS an international forum.
A young housewife living in the town of Chełm had a very strange occurrence. One morning, after buttering a piece of bread she accidentally dropped it on the floor. To her amazement, it fell buttered side up.
As everyone knows, whenever a buttered piece of bread is dropped on the floor it always falls buttered side down; this is like a law of physics. But on this occasion it had fallen buttered side up, and this was a great mystery which had to be solved
. So all the Rabbis and elders and wise men
of Chełm were summoned together and they spent three days in the synagogue fasting and praying and debating this marvelous event among themselves.
After those three days they returned to the young housewife with this answer: "Madam, the problem is that you have buttered the wrong side of the bread."
The sexton of the synagogue decided to install a poor box so that the fortunate might share their wealth with the needy. On shabbes eve, he announced to the congregation that a new opportunity for mitzvoh was available.
"But," one member
complained, "it will be so easy for the goneffs (thieves) to steal from the box." The sexton thought long and hard that night, and announced the next day that he had found a solution. Pointing upward, he showed, the poor box was now suspended from a chain at the ceiling, high, high, high overhead.
"But now how do we put money
in the box?" Was the query asked.
The next week, the congregation saw the wonderful solution. A lovely circular stairway now ascended to the poor box making it easy to contribute.
After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia
, a government
official in Ukraine
menacingly addressed the local rabbi, "I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."
"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."
"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.
A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed.
On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind
to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup – a miraculous shot.
The angel was horrified. "A hole in one!" he exclaimed, "You call this a punishment, Lord?!"
Answered God with a sly smile, "So who can he tell?"
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? "Pardon me ladies, but is ANYTHING all right?"
A Catholic priest, a Reverend, and a Rabbi are discussing when life starts.
The Priest says: "Life begins at conception."
The Reverend says: "Life begins at birth."
The Rabbi says: "Life begins when the kids
* Define self-deprecation... here: Let Me Google That