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Old 28-06-2017, 16:02   #2386
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Talk about getting old... true story:

Back in 2003 I met this large group of great people to go camping with. Via the internet we kept in touch and even planned on chipping in for a keg of beer for the entire group.

Now it's 2017 and we're talking about chipping in once again, this time for a camp AED.
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Old 28-06-2017, 16:03   #2387
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 28-06-2017, 16:03   #2388
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 28-06-2017, 16:04   #2389
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 28-06-2017, 16:06   #2390
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 28-06-2017, 16:11   #2391
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Bonnie Caputo is a good friend, in 1973 one of the first jumbo pilots, and a top-notch driver.

That cr^p just isn't funny, and not just cause it's offensive.
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Old 28-06-2017, 16:41   #2392
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Holy offensive spam! A post a minute, all pasted from the same domain, few truly funny, all virtually identical memes, the majority of which advocate a specific ideology which is promoted by demeaning its opponents. socaldmax, may I suggest you simply post a link to glamisdunes.com and be done with it? Better yet, just refer people to the one to the left.

Back to the jokes; a revisit of the best puns from this thread:

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I attempted to be a deli worker. But any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

Then I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. My latest job is working at a coffee shop. It's kind of boring; every day is the same old grind.

I'm looking for a new job. I started as a watchmaker, which was great because I made my own hours. Unfortunately, I didn't have the hands for it.

Then I tried being a grocer. But it only offered a meager celery and I came home every evening beet.

I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I thought about joining the army. But my name is William and everyone kept yelling "Fire at Will!" Plus, they're only looking for recruits of high caliber.

Then I was offered a job as a cartoonist. But the entire industry seems a little sketchy.

For now, I'm working as a magician. But getting the tricks right is so frustrating; I'm pulling my hare out!


The Irish lass was disappointed with the engagement ring from her fiancé because it was a sham rock.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

.Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
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Old 28-06-2017, 17:34   #2393
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by john61ct View Post
Bonnie Caputo is a good friend, in 1973 one of the first jumbo pilots,

How big was she?
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Old 28-06-2017, 17:43   #2394
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Re: The New Joke Thread

https://cdn1-nyt-com.cdn.ampproject....ticleLarge.jpg
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Old 28-06-2017, 17:46   #2395
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by zippy View Post
How big was she?
Hard to say, but definitely the first wide-body...
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Old 28-06-2017, 18:26   #2396
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by hafa View Post
. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
Same here.
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Old 28-06-2017, 18:34   #2397
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by hafa View Post
may I suggest you simply post a link to glamisdunes.com and be done with it? Better yet, just refer people to the one to the left.


!
What the heck it that place?
Do you know how to navigate it?
All I saw was continued links to something/someone else but nothing else.


Hope the boat gets done tomorrow so I can go scalloping on SAT!!!
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Old 28-06-2017, 19:04   #2398
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by hafa View Post
Holy offensive spam! A post a minute, all pasted from the same domain, few truly funny, all virtually identical memes, the majority of which advocate a specific ideology which is promoted by demeaning its opponents. socaldmax, may I suggest you simply post a link to glamisdunes.com and be done with it? Better yet, just refer people to the one to the left.

Back to the jokes; a revisit of the best puns from this thread:

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I attempted to be a deli worker. But any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

Then I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. My latest job is working at a coffee shop. It's kind of boring; every day is the same old grind.

I'm looking for a new job. I started as a watchmaker, which was great because I made my own hours. Unfortunately, I didn't have the hands for it.

Then I tried being a grocer. But it only offered a meager celery and I came home every evening beet.

I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I thought about joining the army. But my name is William and everyone kept yelling "Fire at Will!" Plus, they're only looking for recruits of high caliber.

Then I was offered a job as a cartoonist. But the entire industry seems a little sketchy.

For now, I'm working as a magician. But getting the tricks right is so frustrating; I'm pulling my hare out!


The Irish lass was disappointed with the engagement ring from her fiancé because it was a sham rock.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

.Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

I'm still waiting for something funny.
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Old 28-06-2017, 19:40   #2399
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Oh boo hoo wadayalike 9? Grow a pair
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Old 28-06-2017, 19:44   #2400
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I don't care what anyone says, socaldmax, I thought all your posts were hilarious!
I knew a girl from glamisdune, ugly but funny!
Cheers, Phil
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