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Old 25-04-2017, 13:32   #2116
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Re: The New Joke Thread

^^^^Our dentist back in Calif. had that sign on the admissions window, except on his, it was a puppy. Always worth a chuckle.
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Old 25-04-2017, 16:56   #2117
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The previous sign said, "Unattended children will be sold into slavery!"

After the 50th kid left there, they changed the sign to "given a puppy and an espresso!"
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Old 26-04-2017, 08:42   #2118
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died. Tom wanted two things:

To learn how to invest his inheritance. And find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

I may look like just an ordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
.
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Old 26-04-2017, 15:48   #2119
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An old country boy was walking home from the market in the next village.

He was carrying his purchases, a live goose, a bucket, a sack of carrots and two live chickens.

He fell in with a woman from his village walking the same way.

"Hallo Margie" he said.

"Whatcha Cyril" she replied.

"On yer way 'ome then Margie" said Cyril.

"I am" she said.

"I'm going over the shortcut through the copse" said Cyril "gonna walk with me"

"Not bloody likely" Margie replied "last time I walked through there with you you 'ad your way wiv me up agin that big oak tree in the clearing"

"Come on Margie" replied Cyril "look at what I'm carrying-I've got me 'ands full-I couldnt take advantage of you today!"

"Oh yes you could" she said "you could put the goose on the floor, cover it with the bucket, put the sack of carrots on the bucket to keep it still an I'll hold the chickens.........."
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Old 02-05-2017, 11:19   #2120
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Dad: Of all people, you choose to be with this stupid and lazy arse?
Boyfriend: ...
Girl: Dad, don't say things like that about him! You don't even know him yet. He's currently studying to get a doctorate in physics while working a full time job.
Dad: (to Girl) I wasn't talking to you.



nice variation on a classic theme
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Old 02-05-2017, 16:48   #2121
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ralph and Edna


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to tell this story to an unstable friend. I've done my part. Life is short, drink the good wine first'
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Old 03-05-2017, 14:51   #2122
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt.
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Old 03-05-2017, 14:52   #2123
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Re: The New Joke Thread

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and
they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses,
and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags
because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they
don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with
hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out,
and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing
every night - early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The
ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then
I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


ENJOY LIFE NOW...IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE!
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Old 04-05-2017, 18:35   #2124
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 04-05-2017, 18:53   #2125
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Old 07-05-2017, 15:16   #2126
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said 'Carry on, ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

'Oh, good grief,' cried Ethel, 'not the breathalyzer again!'
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Old 07-05-2017, 15:46   #2127
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my wife walking down the aisle towards me..............

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me??

Gave her a loving smile and said,




"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of Beer, for the price of 2."
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Old 07-05-2017, 18:03   #2128
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said 'Carry on, ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

'Oh, good grief,' cried Ethel, 'not the breathalyzer again!'
I was going to send this to my older bros, BUT it was just too nasty! 😝. 😂😂 The Image of an old woman in a wheelchair and a wrinkled up old guy, just can't .............
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Old 08-05-2017, 06:22   #2129
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man from Poland goes to the optometrist.

The doc shows him a chart:

C Z W X N Q S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the optometrist asks.

The Pole replies, "Read it?


I know the guy!"
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Old 08-05-2017, 07:35   #2130
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man sits in the hospital with his wife at his bed side..........

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,


"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
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